Here we go again.....maybe!

Got some potentially bad news today.

I had an ultrasound on my leg to check out the clot and the stents, and all seemed well when I left. They let me leave, which is always a good sign, since one of the last ones resulted in an 8 day hospital stay with 6 procedures including a major surgery. I was feeling pretty good after the appointment, then my Dr called me.....the clot hasn't changed, which is good, but there is a problem with the artery now. She said that there is an increase in the blood flow pressure in my external iliac artery. She described it like the difference between a large river which runs slow and steady and a small stream which runs faster and with more force...evidently my artery, which should run slow and steady, has become the small stream indicating a possible problem. When I asked what the problem could be she said it could be nothing, but that a new clot or some other obstruction could be possible. She has ordered an urgent MRI to see what the issue is.

Now I am scared to death! After some research there seem to be two potential options, one is plaque build up in the artery creating a more narrow channel for the blood to pass through. The other is an iliac aneurysm which would do the same thing to the artery. Either option would require more procedures, most likely surgery.......again! Even more frightening is both options are potentially life threatening!

I hope that the MRI is soon and that it shows nothing wrong, but I am not holding my breath, my track record I the health department is less than stellar! I just don't know how much more I can take!!!!

Just pray all goes well and keep me in your thoughts...I am trying not to worry my family until I know what's going on, so if you read this please keep it to yourself for now! Thank you and Love to all!

I hate BS!

So, the drama never seems to end! All I wanted was a nice calm weekend with my husband.....evidently I can't even have that!
This last Saturday, while Christian was at the in-laws, Brian and I headed to the coast for some fun in the sun and some much needed R&R. We were about half way there when the phone rang, it was his Mom. There had been a misunderstanding between my father in law and my son regarding his guitar practice. It should have been simple, but before we were even called, John accused Christian of lying and made him write a paper about the consequences of lying. I lost it!!!!! How dare he call my son a liar, Christian doesn't lie, and how dare he punish him before even checking with us, HIS PARENTS, first!!!! I told my mother in law that if this type of situation continued, Christian would no longer be allowed at their house until John is in Alaska this summer. ( If you haven't figured it out yet, my last post was about my father in law John. He is the family member who blew up a situation and disowned me ) Of course, Mom got upset and asked John to call us and apologize because his issues were affecting her relationship with her grandson and us. He called Brian's phone, but he was driving and couldn't answer, not a half hour later John leaves another message accusing Brian of ignoring his call and avoiding the situation.....yeah John, our whole fucking lives revolve around you and your timeframe....God what an ass!!! Brian finally called him back and John stood by all his opinions! He defended his punishment of Christian, he stood behind all the emails he sent me and blamed the whole situation on me! Brian finally hung up on him, but not before I yelled a few choice words and names toward the phone.
I am done!!!! FUCK John and his self righteous, stubborn attitude! There is no salvaging this relationship. If I had my way he would have no access to my children either, but I don't want to punish my mother in law! That being said, ONE more situation, just one, and that is what will have to happen. I will NOT allow my childs spirit to be broken, I will NOT allow my child to become a fearful, bitter person like John!!!!!!!!!! No matter what John may think, I am a good mother and I will not sit back and let my children be hurt!
I hate this whole situation! It hurts me to my core, and with everything else going on in my life, this is the LAST thing I need! Now, I just need to figure out how to move on without a person that used to mean the world to me....

The cut that won't heal!

It never ceases to amaze me how a minor misunderstanding between family members can so quickly get out of hand! I have had this happen on quite a few occasions, but never to this degree and never has it cut me quite so deep. I should probably start from the beginning.....




A couple of weeks ago I was having a disagreement with a friend, I was pissed off and highly irritated, so when a certain family member showed up at my front door I was not the friendliest. He tried to start a semi-serious conversation and I blew it off due to my already pissy mood. After he left, I was on Facebook, and vented my irritation with the a fore mentioned friend on my wall. Three days later, the family member assumed that the post was about him and confronted me in my comments section. This, of course, pissed me off! First of all, the post was not about him and secondly, I did not appreciate being confronted in a public forum where all my friends and family could see it. I sent him an email explaining exactly what happened and what the FB post was actually about. A couple hours later he responded with a long diatribe that pretty much alluded to the fact that he thinks I am a liar, a wimp and a bad mother....that was my final straw. I was so angry I decided not to respond until I could get my thoughts and feelings in check..I have no filter when I am angry! I had all but forgotten the situation when he sent me another email laced with venom and ultimatums. He demanded that I respond by the end of that day or we wouldn't have any kind of relationship....anyone that knows me knows I do not respond well to ultimatums, but he was forcing my hand so I let him have it! I sent him a very long email addressing all his points and shooting them down. I told him that until he could acknowledge that his assumptions were wrong and apologize for his hurtful words I would not address the situation further. His response.....A phone call (which I did not answer) demanding that we meet the next day at noon for coffee and hash this out. I replied by sending him an email that stated a) I was not ready to meet in person yet and b) I had an appointment at that time anyway. I explained that because the situation was so fresh, I felt more comfortable keeping the conversation going via email at this time. His response this time was the icing on the proverbial cake. He stated that I was not a member of his family anymore, that I was not to email, call or text him ever again. I will never forget the parting statement..." you are nothing to me now " !



I cannot even begin to explain how much this situation has hurt me! I have been nothing but supportive of this person since the day we met. I did things for him that I would never have done for anyone else. Then he makes one wrong assumption and our whole relationship is ruined. I don't want to say that I hate him now, because I don't! But I do hate his actions regarding this situation and will never be able to forgive him for all of the hurtful and hateful things that he said! I have been having a non-stop panic attack since this incident, I think about it every second of everyday....it has even made it's way into my nightmares. When I can sleep, I wake up in a cold sweat crying. I didn't understand, at first, why it was bothering me so much but after some soul searching I realize that it stems from my deeply seeded abandonment issues. My parents split up when I was very young and I went to live with my Grandparents ( I thank God for them everyday!!), after that my mom and dad just kinda went their separate ways. I still saw my mom from time to time, and my dad tried to keep in touch, but the damage had been done. Over the years I had adopted some marvelous parents from my friends, but as wonderful as they have always been to me they could never truly replace what I had lost. The family member this post is about was the first one I had really let into my heart.....he was the parent I had always been searching for. Now he has thrown me away like trash and that does NOT feel good at all! With everything I have been going through this past year I need as much support as I can get, and this whole thing is just to much to bear!!! I am not sure if I will ever recover from this one....now I just have to figure out how to live with the pain and move on, just like I did when I was a kid.....





Thanks for reading! Much love to all!!!

Grrrrrrr.....

I know I just posted, but I have reached my limit!! Since I was 15 I have had a job of some kind.....I have always had my own money. For the last seven months I have had no income, I have had to beg, borrow and virtually steal just to have gas in my car and cigarettes in my pocket. I have had a few generous gifts and even won some money in a writing contest, but it didn't last long...it was aptly timed right before Christmas...which was wonderful, but I am sick of scrounging for change just to get a pack of smokes. (Yes, I know I should quit, but the stress is too much right now for that so...) I can't go back to work right now because of my health and I can't go to school because I have no money....its a vicious cycle that I can't get out of! I am so frustrated right now I could scream!!!!
Sorry for the rant, but I had to vent before I exploded! Thanks for listening....XOXOXO

Life has taken a strange turn........

When I was a little girl I dreamed about how my life would turn out. I would meet an amazing man, have amazing children and work towards an amazing career. Fast forward thirty two years, I have fulfilled two out of three dreams. Most people would say that ain't bad, and its not....I don't know what I would do without my family, but I had finally found my calling last year. I was going to become a nurse! Not my original choice, but once I started caregiving I knew what I wanted. I wanted to help people, I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives! That dream is over!
When all my medical problems started last June there was an end in sight, I would have the surgery to repair my kidney and get on with my life......then the clot happened and it changed my life forever! I am told that I will suffer from pain and swelling for the rest of my life, the clot may grow again and there is a possibility of being on blood thinners for the rest if my life. This knowledge has caused me to sink into a depression the likes of which I have never known! I have fought depression my entire life, and up till this point I had won, but I can't fight anymore. I have lost myself, I have lost friends....I feel like I have lost my life, or at least the life I knew.....that is a hard pill to swallow! People keep telling me "it will get better, don't give up"....well, that's all well and good and I appreciate the thought, but live a couple days inside my head and body and then tell me that. I used to think I knew my body, that I was in control, well, I have lost control and have no way to get it back.......
The road that is my life has taken some strange turns, but this has become a roadblock and I don't have any idea how to get around it! In my dreams now there is nothing but a feeling of loss and fear, it manifests in different ways but they all say the same thing....the symbolism is always the same......my life is changed and not for the better, now I just have to figure out how to get around the roadblock and find a new road to travel. It sounds simple enough, but you have no idea how hard it is to leave your life behind, especially when you were forced out! I keep telling myself that it could be so much worse, and it could of course, but no matter how many times I say it I can't pull myself out of the depression and anxiety!
I thank God everyday for my amazing family! Without them I would be completely lost......more than anything I thank God for my husband! Without Brian I wouldn't be able to do any of this....with him by my side I will be able to start my new path and figure out who I am now!
Thanks for listening to my rantings...much love to all! XOXOXO

The nightmare that won't end!

Hello all! When I rang in the new year last Saturday night, my only midnight wish was that this year would be better than the last... I was wrong!
We are only four days into 2012 and I have had nothing but bad news. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday and was given quite a blow. She has officially diagnosed me with Post-Thrombotic  Syndrome (PTS) and irreversible nerve damage in my groin/thigh. I was so angry....all the procedures that I have undergone since September was supposed to prevent permanent damage. What they didn't tell me is that approx 90% of patients with and Illiofemoral DVT (which is the type that I have) will develop PTS within 6 months of the diagnoses of the DVT. And since I suffered 3 recurrences, my number jumped up to 99% probability. What this means is that I will suffer from constant pain and swelling for the rest of my life! Treatment is now relegated to pain management and constant monitoring for new clots. When I saw my anti-coagulation nurse today my INR is still far to low which puts me at a higher risk for further clotting. The original clot is still there, the filter that protected my lungs and heart is not, and that scares me too. The mortality rate of patients who suffer a pulmonary embolism (PE) is 60%....it's a very scary number! I know people who have suffered a PE and survived, but the statistics are definitely grim.
I really feel like I am trapped inside a nightmare and can't wake up! When 2011 finally came to an end I truly had hope....sadly, that hope is gone! I know I have support, but I can't help but still feel alone. I feel helpless and afraid! I feel broken...physically and emotionally! I have amazing friends and an even more amazing husband, but I can't help but think that he deserves better! He deserves a healthy, vibrant and happy wife! Brian is the most amazing, patient and loving person I have ever known...I truly am the luckiest woman in the world when it comes to my relationship with him!! I also feel like my kids deserve a better Mom....a Mom that can play and laugh with them. I know they love me, and I love them more than anything in this whole world, but I can't help but feel like both them and Brian are getting the short end of the stick!
I still have plans to contact that Dr in California, but it won't fix the permanent damage that has been done. I am hoping that he can at least get rid of the clot itself so that I can have a little peace of mind...only time will tell I guess. For now, all I can do is try to deal with this new information and pray!!!

Thanks again for reading! Until next time.....

Merry Christmas!!!

In Loving Memory of the family and friends who can't celebrate Christmas with us this year!!!