Thursday, March 22, 2012

The cut that won't heal!

It never ceases to amaze me how a minor misunderstanding between family members can so quickly get out of hand! I have had this happen on quite a few occasions, but never to this degree and never has it cut me quite so deep. I should probably start from the beginning.....

A couple of weeks ago I was having a disagreement with a friend, I was pissed off and highly irritated, so when a certain family member showed up at my front door I was not the friendliest. He tried to start a semi-serious conversation and I blew it off due to my already pissy mood. After he left, I was on Facebook, and vented my irritation with the a fore mentioned friend on my wall. Three days later, the family member assumed that the post was about him and confronted me in my comments section. This, of course, pissed me off! First of all, the post was not about him and secondly, I did not appreciate being confronted in a public forum where all my friends and family could see it. I sent him an email explaining exactly what happened and what the FB post was actually about. A couple hours later he responded with a long diatribe that pretty much alluded to the fact that he thinks I am a liar, a wimp and a bad mother....that was my final straw. I was so angry I decided not to respond until I could get my thoughts and feelings in check..I have no filter when I am angry! I had all but forgotten the situation when he sent me another email laced with venom and ultimatums. He demanded that I respond by the end of that day or we wouldn't have any kind of relationship....anyone that knows me knows I do not respond well to ultimatums, but he was forcing my hand so I let him have it! I sent him a very long email addressing all his points and shooting them down. I told him that until he could acknowledge that his assumptions were wrong and apologize for his hurtful words I would not address the situation further. His response.....A phone call (which I did not answer) demanding that we meet the next day at noon for coffee and hash this out. I replied by sending him an email that stated a) I was not ready to meet in person yet and b) I had an appointment at that time anyway. I explained that because the situation was so fresh, I felt more comfortable keeping the conversation going via email at this time. His response this time was the icing on the proverbial cake. He stated that I was not a member of his family anymore, that I was not to email, call or text him ever again. I will never forget the parting statement..."
you are nothing to me now
 " !

I cannot even begin to explain how much this situation has hurt me! I have been nothing but supportive of this person since the day we met. I did things for him that I would never have done for anyone else. Then he makes one wrong assumption and our whole relationship is ruined. I don't want to say that I hate him now, because I don't! But I do hate his actions regarding this situation and will never be able to forgive him for all of the hurtful and hateful things that he said! I have been having a non-stop panic attack since this incident, I think about it every second of has even made it's way into my nightmares. When I can sleep, I wake up in a cold sweat crying. I didn't understand, at first, why it was bothering me so much but after some soul searching I realize that it stems from my deeply seeded abandonment issues. My parents split up when I was very young and I went to live with my Grandparents ( I thank God for them everyday!!), after that my mom and dad just kinda went their separate ways. I still saw my mom from time to time, and my dad tried to keep in touch, but the damage had been done. Over the years I had adopted some marvelous parents from my friends, but as wonderful as they have always been to me they could never truly replace what I had lost. The family member this post is about was the first one I had really let into my heart.....he was the parent I had always been searching for. Now he has thrown me away like trash and that does NOT feel good at all! With everything I have been going through this past year I need as much support as I can get, and this whole thing is just to much to bear!!! I am not sure if I will ever recover from this I just have to figure out how to live with the pain and move on, just like I did when I was a kid.....

Thanks for reading! Much love to all!!!