All my life I have been the fixer, the giver and if I am being honest, the "doormat". Whenever anyone I cared about needed something I would do anything to make sure they got it. Whether it was simply companionship, money, a place to rest their head for a spell or material things I would do everything and anything in my power to provide. There were many, many times I went above and beyond and subsequently went without so that my "loved one" would have what they needed or wanted. Even after I got sick, lost the ability to work and didn't have any income I still managed to find ways to help those I love. I just figured that the more I helped people the more help I would get when I needed it.....good karma and all.....I guess I was really just being naive because all I've gotten in return, in many cases, is bitter disappointment. I did learn some valuable lessons along the way. I learned that a lot of people out there are disgustingly selfish and that I am just about as stupid and gullible as they come! Let me explain.....
Over and over again I have fallen for the same old lines.....I have allowed myself to be guilted into doing things I couldn't afford to do, I have been lied to, stolen from and just generally taken advantage of and I LET IT HAPPEN! Even after some of those people went out of their way to talk shit about me and my family when I did nothing but try and help them in their time of need! I am not completely ignorant, most of the time I knew exactly what was going on....nine times out of ten I knew when I was being fed bullshit and lies but continued to be try and be the "fixer" anyway. Why?? Because I am a pushover with a big heart. I wanted to believe that people who claimed to love me couldn't and wouldn't use me. That they wouldn't go out of their way to take advantage of my kindness and then throw me away when I was no longer of any use to them. In the end I believed that regardless of their actions or words against me I was, at very least, establishing that good karma I referred to earlier and that it would all be worth it in the end. As it turned out all I was doing was enabling others to continue to use and abuse me. In reality I was gullible and just fucking stupid!!!! In my defense there is also the fact that I have always subscribed to the practice of "my word is my bond". If I promise someone something I am going to keep that promise no matter what it takes, even if the person didn't truly deserve my help or my loyalty, because it's a PROMISE dammit and I am going to be true to my word even if I have to, figuratively, move mountains or go without things that I need to accomplish it. What I have really figured out in all of this is that, evidently, I am a rare breed. Words, it seems, mean nothing in this age of perpetual selfishness! Now, I am not going to sit here and claim to be perfect. Not by any means! I have made promises that were unable to be kept, I am only human after all, but the difference is I will always give a valid and truthful reason as to why I cannot keep that promise. I would never insult someone's intelligence by lying to them nor would I degrade myself by doing so. I want people to be able to trust me, I want my friends and family to know that I will keep my word and if for unforeseen reasons I can't manage it that they will get an honest explanation as to why. I won't avoid them for as long as I can and then, when finally confronted, lie to cover my own ass. I will always own my mistakes and oversights.....as I said I am only human and therefore flawed, but I would be the first to admit that and take responsibility for my actions or lack thereof if that is the case.
I suppose the biggest lesson I have learned is that there are only a few select people in this world that I can truly trust. My husband and kids, of course, and a SMALL number of friends, you know who you are, and family members. Everyone else is seemingly in it for what they can get out of me and those are people I need to extricate from my life. Honestly I have nothing left to give to anyone that doesn't deserve it and it's time for me to finally put myself first.....I do however have immeasurable amounts of love, empathy and understanding to give anyone that wants it. That costs me nothing to provide and I will give it willingly and without question to anyone that proves worthy!
The bottom line is that I can no longer be the "fixer". If you want to be a part of my life that's fine, I will gladly accept you into the fold.....but just so you are aware ALL you will get in that deal ME and my unwavering love and friendship. If that is not enough for you then you can just FUCK OFF! You can't squeeze blood from a turnip, as the old saying goes, and from now on you can call me the turnip......I need to focus on me and my little family (blood and chosen) and that's just how it's gonna be from now on!
So if you are reading this and are one of my trusted friends or family please know that I love you with all of my heart and NONE of this blog pertains to you. You have earned your place in my life by simply being there for me when I needed you and expecting nothing but love in return! However, if you are reading this and any of the above statements made you feel guilty or made you feel like you need to apologize to me your bridge is already burnt so don't even bother.....just move on with your life and forget I ever existed because, honestly, you no longer exist to me!
Thanks for taking the time to read my rantings and have a blessed day!