Grrrrrrr.....

I know I just posted, but I have reached my limit!! Since I was 15 I have had a job of some kind.....I have always had my own money. For the last seven months I have had no income, I have had to beg, borrow and virtually steal just to have gas in my car and cigarettes in my pocket. I have had a few generous gifts and even won some money in a writing contest, but it didn't last long...it was aptly timed right before Christmas...which was wonderful, but I am sick of scrounging for change just to get a pack of smokes. (Yes, I know I should quit, but the stress is too much right now for that so...) I can't go back to work right now because of my health and I can't go to school because I have no money....its a vicious cycle that I can't get out of! I am so frustrated right now I could scream!!!!
Sorry for the rant, but I had to vent before I exploded! Thanks for listening....XOXOXO

Life has taken a strange turn........

When I was a little girl I dreamed about how my life would turn out. I would meet an amazing man, have amazing children and work towards an amazing career. Fast forward thirty two years, I have fulfilled two out of three dreams. Most people would say that ain't bad, and its not....I don't know what I would do without my family, but I had finally found my calling last year. I was going to become a nurse! Not my original choice, but once I started caregiving I knew what I wanted. I wanted to help people, I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives! That dream is over!
When all my medical problems started last June there was an end in sight, I would have the surgery to repair my kidney and get on with my life......then the clot happened and it changed my life forever! I am told that I will suffer from pain and swelling for the rest of my life, the clot may grow again and there is a possibility of being on blood thinners for the rest if my life. This knowledge has caused me to sink into a depression the likes of which I have never known! I have fought depression my entire life, and up till this point I had won, but I can't fight anymore. I have lost myself, I have lost friends....I feel like I have lost my life, or at least the life I knew.....that is a hard pill to swallow! People keep telling me "it will get better, don't give up"....well, that's all well and good and I appreciate the thought, but live a couple days inside my head and body and then tell me that. I used to think I knew my body, that I was in control, well, I have lost control and have no way to get it back.......
The road that is my life has taken some strange turns, but this has become a roadblock and I don't have any idea how to get around it! In my dreams now there is nothing but a feeling of loss and fear, it manifests in different ways but they all say the same thing....the symbolism is always the same......my life is changed and not for the better, now I just have to figure out how to get around the roadblock and find a new road to travel. It sounds simple enough, but you have no idea how hard it is to leave your life behind, especially when you were forced out! I keep telling myself that it could be so much worse, and it could of course, but no matter how many times I say it I can't pull myself out of the depression and anxiety!
I thank God everyday for my amazing family! Without them I would be completely lost......more than anything I thank God for my husband! Without Brian I wouldn't be able to do any of this....with him by my side I will be able to start my new path and figure out who I am now!
Thanks for listening to my rantings...much love to all! XOXOXO

The nightmare that won't end!

Hello all! When I rang in the new year last Saturday night, my only midnight wish was that this year would be better than the last... I was wrong!
We are only four days into 2012 and I have had nothing but bad news. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday and was given quite a blow. She has officially diagnosed me with Post-Thrombotic  Syndrome (PTS) and irreversible nerve damage in my groin/thigh. I was so angry....all the procedures that I have undergone since September was supposed to prevent permanent damage. What they didn't tell me is that approx 90% of patients with and Illiofemoral DVT (which is the type that I have) will develop PTS within 6 months of the diagnoses of the DVT. And since I suffered 3 recurrences, my number jumped up to 99% probability. What this means is that I will suffer from constant pain and swelling for the rest of my life! Treatment is now relegated to pain management and constant monitoring for new clots. When I saw my anti-coagulation nurse today my INR is still far to low which puts me at a higher risk for further clotting. The original clot is still there, the filter that protected my lungs and heart is not, and that scares me too. The mortality rate of patients who suffer a pulmonary embolism (PE) is 60%....it's a very scary number! I know people who have suffered a PE and survived, but the statistics are definitely grim.
I really feel like I am trapped inside a nightmare and can't wake up! When 2011 finally came to an end I truly had hope....sadly, that hope is gone! I know I have support, but I can't help but still feel alone. I feel helpless and afraid! I feel broken...physically and emotionally! I have amazing friends and an even more amazing husband, but I can't help but think that he deserves better! He deserves a healthy, vibrant and happy wife! Brian is the most amazing, patient and loving person I have ever known...I truly am the luckiest woman in the world when it comes to my relationship with him!! I also feel like my kids deserve a better Mom....a Mom that can play and laugh with them. I know they love me, and I love them more than anything in this whole world, but I can't help but feel like both them and Brian are getting the short end of the stick!
I still have plans to contact that Dr in California, but it won't fix the permanent damage that has been done. I am hoping that he can at least get rid of the clot itself so that I can have a little peace of mind...only time will tell I guess. For now, all I can do is try to deal with this new information and pray!!!

Thanks again for reading! Until next time.....