Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Life has taken a strange turn........

When I was a little girl I dreamed about how my life would turn out. I would meet an amazing man, have amazing children and work towards an amazing career. Fast forward thirty two years, I have fulfilled two out of three dreams. Most people would say that ain't bad, and its not....I don't know what I would do without my family, but I had finally found my calling last year. I was going to become a nurse! Not my original choice, but once I started caregiving I knew what I wanted. I wanted to help people, I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives! That dream is over!
When all my medical problems started last June there was an end in sight, I would have the surgery to repair my kidney and get on with my life......then the clot happened and it changed my life forever! I am told that I will suffer from pain and swelling for the rest of my life, the clot may grow again and there is a possibility of being on blood thinners for the rest if my life. This knowledge has caused me to sink into a depression the likes of which I have never known! I have fought depression my entire life, and up till this point I had won, but I can't fight anymore. I have lost myself, I have lost friends....I feel like I have lost my life, or at least the life I knew.....that is a hard pill to swallow! People keep telling me "it will get better, don't give up"....well, that's all well and good and I appreciate the thought, but live a couple days inside my head and body and then tell me that. I used to think I knew my body, that I was in control, well, I have lost control and have no way to get it back.......
The road that is my life has taken some strange turns, but this has become a roadblock and I don't have any idea how to get around it! In my dreams now there is nothing but a feeling of loss and fear, it manifests in different ways but they all say the same thing....the symbolism is always the life is changed and not for the better, now I just have to figure out how to get around the roadblock and find a new road to travel. It sounds simple enough, but you have no idea how hard it is to leave your life behind, especially when you were forced out! I keep telling myself that it could be so much worse, and it could of course, but no matter how many times I say it I can't pull myself out of the depression and anxiety!
I thank God everyday for my amazing family! Without them I would be completely lost......more than anything I thank God for my husband! Without Brian I wouldn't be able to do any of this....with him by my side I will be able to start my new path and figure out who I am now!
Thanks for listening to my rantings...much love to all! XOXOXO


  1. you have not lost your oldest bestest friend, trust me I am still here....even closer now I am not in Washington anymore. I love you sister and I am not going anywhere.

  2. Maybe this is all in preparation for your caregiving profession. Perhaps through all of this you are being shown empathy and understanding how people hurt and are afraid. Another great care-giver once said, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”