Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The icing on the proverbial cake!

So first I'd like to say Merry Christmas one and all! I'd also like to say that the drama from yesterday was behind us....yeah, not even close!
After a nice morning with the kids, a special breakfast and opening gifts, I stepped outside and what did I see......bare in mind I'd been out a few times throughout the morning and nothing was there......my late Grandfathers car ( which was given to me after he passed away and was being stored out at the in-laws house ) sitting in front of our house, filled with some of Brian's stuff and the keys on my entry table.....the icing on the cake? A big red bow attached to the hood! I was livid! The car is being sold, but not till we can fix it up and then all of Brian's things were incomplete. Tools with parts missing, his washing station without the drum, a box of his old books that had all been chewed up by mice and left mice shit strewn around the back of my car......yeah...grrrrrrrrr! Brian ended up texting his Mom to find out about his '57 Chevy that is still out there, her response was that they need to talk, but that John was angry about his stepmother being "hurt" by Christian not being at her house last night so he returned the car. How immature and irrational! All this because we didn't want to separate the kids on Christmas......this situation literally ruined my Christmas! I was actually in the spirit this year for once and they totally smashed it ( along with my heart )!
I am so sick of this and so sick of my husband getting hurt and upset by his own mother and stepfather, but I have no way of fixing it now. I never did anything wrong and I will not apologize for putting my kids first!!!!!!
Sorry guys, had to vent! Love you all and Happy New Year!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Family can hurt you more than anyone!

I hurt! Not so much physically, although that is always an issue, but my heart hurts!
As many of my close friends know, I have always felt very insecure as a parent. When I had Braden 13 years ago, I was young and very inexperienced. I was not yet married and was having to work full time to make ends meet. I was very lucky to have my grandparents by my side and helping me in any way they could! When I went back to work after my maternity leave I had a very hectic schedule and my Grandma was watching Braden for me on a daily basis at my apartment, she never complained but I know it was stressing her to leave so much unattended to at her own home while helping me, so when Braden was a little over a year old we made the decision to let her watch him over at her house while I worked....well, after months of juggling him around we decided it was better for him to just stay there when I was working and come home on my days off. That worked out well, but then as my relationship with Brian got more serious and we were trying to build a life together with crazy schedules, Braden started staying at Grandmas on my days off too....basically he was living there full time and spending time with us on weekends. It was one big extended family, just like how I was raised, and everyone was happy and content. As Braden got older we asked him many times if he wanted to live with us full time, but he always refused saying he was happy where he was and with our loving extended family arrangement! I didn't push the issue with him because A) he was a kid and B) he had his friends and a stable, loving environment.....what more could a parent ask for!?! When Christian was born we broached the subject again with Braden, but his answer was always the same. He was happy, content and loved our family dynamic the way it was. Even though he seemed satisfied with things I still always felt like maybe I should've done things differently, maybe I  should've insisted he come with us, but he still would've been at Grandmas 80% of the time anyway due to Brian and my hectic work schedules. Then last year I got sick, on at least one occasion I was very close to not making it and with all the surgeries and recoveries I wasn't able to care for the kids and Brian still had to work so what was I supposed to do? Now that I am doing better and not working the boys spend about 50% of their time here with us and it has been wonderful! Still through it all I have felt like a very bad mother and now I am getting punished for all of it from the last person I ever expected!
Every year we go the the Grandparents-in-law on Christmas Eve, but with all the John drama this last year we knew we would not be invited. Last week my mother-in-law, who I love dearly, asked if they could take Christian for Christmas Eve, just Christian no one else, Brian and I both said no because we thought it would be unfair to separate the kids on Christmas Eve of all days. She ended up asking again last night, but the answer was the same...well, that opened a flood gate and I was attacked and threatened via text message by my mom-in-law...not John, as I would've expected. I was hurt, shocked and angry! I never expected this from her, ever! I was told that she "was willing to accept Braden into the family, but I couldn't force him on people"! What the hell does that mean?! When I said that I wouldn't separate the kids on Christmas I was told that "YOU made your choice. There will be consequences." (Again, what the hell does that mean?!) And they "miss Christian". Well, that's nice, but what about your other grandson?! I was in absolute shock! I was enraged...I even yelled at Brian which I never do! When I told her that all this was hurting her son she told me "My son never kept me from anyone. You did." I never "kept" anyone from her, not intentionally anyway. But after the meltdown with John last year, I personally had kept my distance, but never kept her from her Grandchildren. I had made an effort to try to ensure that didn't happen! I don't understand where all this is coming from? All this because I didn't want to separate my kids on Christmas? Are you kidding me?
Then today she sent a mutual friend to drop off Christian's Christmas and birthday presents. It was so sweet of him to do it, but it was totally inappropriate to put him in that position! He has nothing to do with this drama. He has his opinions of course, but I am not interested in hearing it right now. All he has really heard is their side so I can only imagine what he must think. What hurts is that he has been my best friend for 15 years, I am the reason they even know him and now as far as I am concerned they are taking advantage of his desire to stay neutral....but that's just my opinion.
I am literally sick over this! I never thought in a million years it would come to this! I don't care how anyone feels about me, but this is hurting my husband and my children and I cannot stand for that! I don't know what I will do yet, time will tell I guess. I just wish it hadn't happened now! I usually love Christmas and now I just want it to go away!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Farewell Furry Friends (written late 2012)

I wrote this back in 2012 and just realized I never posted it. Better late than never I guess.

I have had enough!! The loneliness and loss I feel every minute of every day is becoming to much to bear....on top of everything else that has happened over the last year and a half, the last few weeks have been the roughest on my heart! I guess I should explain...
For the last 9+ years Brian and I have always had dogs as part of our family. They were our other "kids". For 9 years we had a beautiful German Shepherd named Sasha and then about 7 years ago we got a sweet little mutt I named PJ. Then a little over 2 years ago I adopted my mini dachshund Bella. On a side note, I thank God for her everyday because she has been my constant companion through all my recoveries! Sadly, we lost Sasha in Feb 2011 to bladder cancer. Brian and I were devastated, so, a few months later I adopted an 8 month old black Shepherd that we named Anya. She was so sweet and so beautiful! Well, she and PJ got along fine unless people/attention was involved and when jealousy reared its ugly head they would get into bloody fights. It got so bad that we had to keep them outside separated from human stimuli and even then fights would occasionally break out over nothing. Then there was the fact that PJ was Houdini on four legs. She could escape anything and when she did she would run the neighborhood. Between the fights and the escape attempts, the police were called on us a number of times. When Mel was living here she got issued a ticket for "dog at large" while we were out of town because a neighbor complained. The situation was not fair to the dogs, our neighbors or the kids! Because of those issues and the fact that we may be forced to move we made the decision to rehome PJ, but I was having no luck in finding her a home, so we made the heartbreaking decision to rehome Anya. Of course, right as we found a home for Anya someone finally called about PJ. They wanted her as a companion dog for a disabled girl....how could we say no? So, in the span of two days we dropped both dogs off with their new families. It was truly heartbreaking!! I still tear up when I think about it....the saving grace that healed my heart came in the form of a Beagle named Jake. The day after PJ left we saw that a 1 year old Beagle had been found as a stray and was up for adoption at animal control. We went to look at him and fell in love! He fits into the family perfectly, he can stay in the house and he and Bella are best friends...he is also small, so if we do have to move we'll have no problem getting him approved...that had been an issue with the girls because they were both on the "aggressive" breed list. I have to say that I still miss my girls but Jake has helped heal my heart! No one wants to say farewell to their furry family, but Anya and PJ are in the best possible homes for them and that gives me comfort!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Fear, Loss and other such BS!

Hello again! I know, I know...where the Hell have I been, right? Well, some days, "Hell" would be an appropriate answer. So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin....
I guess I can start with the good news. The arterial problem that was supposedly identified via ultrasound turned out to be nothing! The MRI I had regarding this problem caused a superficial thrombophlebitis, in layman's terms it caused a small blood clot in my arm from injecting the contrast dye, that has since resolved itself. I am happy that that turned out to be nothing, but I still have a bad feeling about it. I also finally applied for Social Security disability and have an appointment to fill out paperwork with my doctor on the 26th of this month. I am really hoping that comes through so that I can at least provide some income for our family!
The situation with John has gotten worse! Back when all the drama started John made a promise to my mother in law that if this situation and his actions began to damage her relationship with her grandchildren or with us that he would apologize for the things he said and try to make things better. Well, my mother in law barely speaks to me, hell, she barely speaks to her own son and when she does speak to him it becomes a guilt trip. The last time Brian spoke to his mom was when she wanted Christian for the weekend and Christian stated he did not want to go because sometimes John is mean to him. When we explained this to Marietta she accused us of manipulating the situation and feeding him information. We have never, and will never manipulate our children in any way regarding anyone or anything! I have to admit that I was offended by that accusation! What bothers me the most about all of this is that John knows the issues I've had with my own father and the fact that I had taken him into my life as a father was a huge step for me! For him to betray that relationship in the manner that he has hurts me to my core, even more the timing of the situation has made it even worse. All of this started the day after my grandpa passed away, which coincidentally is a year ago tomorrow. I have thought many times about picking up the phone and calling John but I wouldn't even begin to know what to say! The one time I tried to extend an olive branch it was thrown back in my face immediately. As any one of my friends would tell you I have a long fuse and I forgive easily, but after everything that's been said and that no apologies have ever been made I cannot forgive this time! John must make the first move if he ever wants to fix this situation and relationship. I just wish that he had kept his promise to Marietta and tried to fix things because I really, really miss my family!
On top of everything else my health isn't getting any better , the finances aren't getting any better and there is a very good chance that we might lose our house. My grandma is working with my Uncle Chuck to try and figure something out but I am not holding my breath.
This last almost 2 years have been the worst of my life! I think one of the worst things is that I feel like a leper, what I mean is since I got sick I have barely heard from any of my friends or family with a few exceptions. To those exceptions, you know who you are and I love you! With each surgery came a long recovery and during each recovery less and less people called, texted, visited... Get the picture? I'm not angry with anyone, I know people have lives, I know they have better things to do, but when you're laying at home in pain, unable to go anywhere due to all the medications you're on it would be nice for someone to at least call. Some would say that I've done this to myself, that I've ostracized myself from everyone..... Maybe there right, maybe I have become antisocial but can you blame me? I have always been there for everyone else. I have always put the needs of my friends and family ahead of my own, so I guess I figured that when my time of need came they would do the same. I wish that I had been right! I still love my friends and my family, I love them with everything that I am but I feel alone and abandoned and even though it may be of my own making it doesn't make it any easier!
I thank God everyday that I have my amazing husband, Brian and my beautiful children, Braden and Christian! Without them my life would have no meaning anymore!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Here we go again.....maybe!

Got some potentially bad news today.

I had an ultrasound on my leg to check out the clot and the stents, and all seemed well when I left. They let me leave, which is always a good sign, since one of the last ones resulted in an 8 day hospital stay with 6 procedures including a major surgery. I was feeling pretty good after the appointment, then my Dr called me.....the clot hasn't changed, which is good, but there is a problem with the artery now. She said that there is an increase in the blood flow pressure in my external iliac artery. She described it like the difference between a large river which runs slow and steady and a small stream which runs faster and with more force...evidently my artery, which should run slow and steady, has become the small stream indicating a possible problem. When I asked what the problem could be she said it could be nothing, but that a new clot or some other obstruction could be possible. She has ordered an urgent MRI to see what the issue is.

Now I am scared to death! After some research there seem to be two potential options, one is plaque build up in the artery creating a more narrow channel for the blood to pass through. The other is an iliac aneurysm which would do the same thing to the artery. Either option would require more procedures, most likely surgery.......again! Even more frightening is both options are potentially life threatening!

I hope that the MRI is soon and that it shows nothing wrong, but I am not holding my breath, my track record I the health department is less than stellar! I just don't know how much more I can take!!!!

Just pray all goes well and keep me in your thoughts...I am trying not to worry my family until I know what's going on, so if you read this please keep it to yourself for now! Thank you and Love to all!

Monday, April 23, 2012

I hate BS!

So, the drama never seems to end! All I wanted was a nice calm weekend with my husband.....evidently I can't even have that!
This last Saturday, while Christian was at the in-laws, Brian and I headed to the coast for some fun in the sun and some much needed R&R. We were about half way there when the phone rang, it was his Mom. There had been a misunderstanding between my father in law and my son regarding his guitar practice. It should have been simple, but before we were even called, John accused Christian of lying and made him write a paper about the consequences of lying. I lost it!!!!! How dare he call my son a liar, Christian doesn't lie, and how dare he punish him before even checking with us, HIS PARENTS, first!!!! I told my mother in law that if this type of situation continued, Christian would no longer be allowed at their house until John is in Alaska this summer. ( If you haven't figured it out yet, my last post was about my father in law John. He is the family member who blew up a situation and disowned me ) Of course, Mom got upset and asked John to call us and apologize because his issues were affecting her relationship with her grandson and us. He called Brian's phone, but he was driving and couldn't answer, not a half hour later John leaves another message accusing Brian of ignoring his call and avoiding the situation.....yeah John, our whole fucking lives revolve around you and your timeframe....God what an ass!!! Brian finally called him back and John stood by all his opinions! He defended his punishment of Christian, he stood behind all the emails he sent me and blamed the whole situation on me! Brian finally hung up on him, but not before I yelled a few choice words and names toward the phone.
I am done!!!! FUCK John and his self righteous, stubborn attitude! There is no salvaging this relationship. If I had my way he would have no access to my children either, but I don't want to punish my mother in law! That being said, ONE more situation, just one, and that is what will have to happen. I will NOT allow my childs spirit to be broken, I will NOT allow my child to become a fearful, bitter person like John!!!!!!!!!! No matter what John may think, I am a good mother and I will not sit back and let my children be hurt!
I hate this whole situation! It hurts me to my core, and with everything else going on in my life, this is the LAST thing I need! Now, I just need to figure out how to move on without a person that used to mean the world to me....

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The cut that won't heal!

It never ceases to amaze me how a minor misunderstanding between family members can so quickly get out of hand! I have had this happen on quite a few occasions, but never to this degree and never has it cut me quite so deep. I should probably start from the beginning.....

A couple of weeks ago I was having a disagreement with a friend, I was pissed off and highly irritated, so when a certain family member showed up at my front door I was not the friendliest. He tried to start a semi-serious conversation and I blew it off due to my already pissy mood. After he left, I was on Facebook, and vented my irritation with the a fore mentioned friend on my wall. Three days later, the family member assumed that the post was about him and confronted me in my comments section. This, of course, pissed me off! First of all, the post was not about him and secondly, I did not appreciate being confronted in a public forum where all my friends and family could see it. I sent him an email explaining exactly what happened and what the FB post was actually about. A couple hours later he responded with a long diatribe that pretty much alluded to the fact that he thinks I am a liar, a wimp and a bad mother....that was my final straw. I was so angry I decided not to respond until I could get my thoughts and feelings in check..I have no filter when I am angry! I had all but forgotten the situation when he sent me another email laced with venom and ultimatums. He demanded that I respond by the end of that day or we wouldn't have any kind of relationship....anyone that knows me knows I do not respond well to ultimatums, but he was forcing my hand so I let him have it! I sent him a very long email addressing all his points and shooting them down. I told him that until he could acknowledge that his assumptions were wrong and apologize for his hurtful words I would not address the situation further. His response.....A phone call (which I did not answer) demanding that we meet the next day at noon for coffee and hash this out. I replied by sending him an email that stated a) I was not ready to meet in person yet and b) I had an appointment at that time anyway. I explained that because the situation was so fresh, I felt more comfortable keeping the conversation going via email at this time. His response this time was the icing on the proverbial cake. He stated that I was not a member of his family anymore, that I was not to email, call or text him ever again. I will never forget the parting statement..."
you are nothing to me now
 " !

I cannot even begin to explain how much this situation has hurt me! I have been nothing but supportive of this person since the day we met. I did things for him that I would never have done for anyone else. Then he makes one wrong assumption and our whole relationship is ruined. I don't want to say that I hate him now, because I don't! But I do hate his actions regarding this situation and will never be able to forgive him for all of the hurtful and hateful things that he said! I have been having a non-stop panic attack since this incident, I think about it every second of everyday....it has even made it's way into my nightmares. When I can sleep, I wake up in a cold sweat crying. I didn't understand, at first, why it was bothering me so much but after some soul searching I realize that it stems from my deeply seeded abandonment issues. My parents split up when I was very young and I went to live with my Grandparents ( I thank God for them everyday!!), after that my mom and dad just kinda went their separate ways. I still saw my mom from time to time, and my dad tried to keep in touch, but the damage had been done. Over the years I had adopted some marvelous parents from my friends, but as wonderful as they have always been to me they could never truly replace what I had lost. The family member this post is about was the first one I had really let into my heart.....he was the parent I had always been searching for. Now he has thrown me away like trash and that does NOT feel good at all! With everything I have been going through this past year I need as much support as I can get, and this whole thing is just to much to bear!!! I am not sure if I will ever recover from this one....now I just have to figure out how to live with the pain and move on, just like I did when I was a kid.....

Thanks for reading! Much love to all!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2012


I know I just posted, but I have reached my limit!! Since I was 15 I have had a job of some kind.....I have always had my own money. For the last seven months I have had no income, I have had to beg, borrow and virtually steal just to have gas in my car and cigarettes in my pocket. I have had a few generous gifts and even won some money in a writing contest, but it didn't last long...it was aptly timed right before Christmas...which was wonderful, but I am sick of scrounging for change just to get a pack of smokes. (Yes, I know I should quit, but the stress is too much right now for that so...) I can't go back to work right now because of my health and I can't go to school because I have no money....its a vicious cycle that I can't get out of! I am so frustrated right now I could scream!!!!
Sorry for the rant, but I had to vent before I exploded! Thanks for listening....XOXOXO

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Life has taken a strange turn........

When I was a little girl I dreamed about how my life would turn out. I would meet an amazing man, have amazing children and work towards an amazing career. Fast forward thirty two years, I have fulfilled two out of three dreams. Most people would say that ain't bad, and its not....I don't know what I would do without my family, but I had finally found my calling last year. I was going to become a nurse! Not my original choice, but once I started caregiving I knew what I wanted. I wanted to help people, I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives! That dream is over!
When all my medical problems started last June there was an end in sight, I would have the surgery to repair my kidney and get on with my life......then the clot happened and it changed my life forever! I am told that I will suffer from pain and swelling for the rest of my life, the clot may grow again and there is a possibility of being on blood thinners for the rest if my life. This knowledge has caused me to sink into a depression the likes of which I have never known! I have fought depression my entire life, and up till this point I had won, but I can't fight anymore. I have lost myself, I have lost friends....I feel like I have lost my life, or at least the life I knew.....that is a hard pill to swallow! People keep telling me "it will get better, don't give up"....well, that's all well and good and I appreciate the thought, but live a couple days inside my head and body and then tell me that. I used to think I knew my body, that I was in control, well, I have lost control and have no way to get it back.......
The road that is my life has taken some strange turns, but this has become a roadblock and I don't have any idea how to get around it! In my dreams now there is nothing but a feeling of loss and fear, it manifests in different ways but they all say the same thing....the symbolism is always the same......my life is changed and not for the better, now I just have to figure out how to get around the roadblock and find a new road to travel. It sounds simple enough, but you have no idea how hard it is to leave your life behind, especially when you were forced out! I keep telling myself that it could be so much worse, and it could of course, but no matter how many times I say it I can't pull myself out of the depression and anxiety!
I thank God everyday for my amazing family! Without them I would be completely lost......more than anything I thank God for my husband! Without Brian I wouldn't be able to do any of this....with him by my side I will be able to start my new path and figure out who I am now!
Thanks for listening to my rantings...much love to all! XOXOXO

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The nightmare that won't end!

Hello all! When I rang in the new year last Saturday night, my only midnight wish was that this year would be better than the last... I was wrong!
We are only four days into 2012 and I have had nothing but bad news. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday and was given quite a blow. She has officially diagnosed me with Post-Thrombotic  Syndrome (PTS) and irreversible nerve damage in my groin/thigh. I was so angry....all the procedures that I have undergone since September was supposed to prevent permanent damage. What they didn't tell me is that approx 90% of patients with and Illiofemoral DVT (which is the type that I have) will develop PTS within 6 months of the diagnoses of the DVT. And since I suffered 3 recurrences, my number jumped up to 99% probability. What this means is that I will suffer from constant pain and swelling for the rest of my life! Treatment is now relegated to pain management and constant monitoring for new clots. When I saw my anti-coagulation nurse today my INR is still far to low which puts me at a higher risk for further clotting. The original clot is still there, the filter that protected my lungs and heart is not, and that scares me too. The mortality rate of patients who suffer a pulmonary embolism (PE) is 60%....it's a very scary number! I know people who have suffered a PE and survived, but the statistics are definitely grim.
I really feel like I am trapped inside a nightmare and can't wake up! When 2011 finally came to an end I truly had hope....sadly, that hope is gone! I know I have support, but I can't help but still feel alone. I feel helpless and afraid! I feel broken...physically and emotionally! I have amazing friends and an even more amazing husband, but I can't help but think that he deserves better! He deserves a healthy, vibrant and happy wife! Brian is the most amazing, patient and loving person I have ever known...I truly am the luckiest woman in the world when it comes to my relationship with him!! I also feel like my kids deserve a better Mom....a Mom that can play and laugh with them. I know they love me, and I love them more than anything in this whole world, but I can't help but feel like both them and Brian are getting the short end of the stick!
I still have plans to contact that Dr in California, but it won't fix the permanent damage that has been done. I am hoping that he can at least get rid of the clot itself so that I can have a little peace of mind...only time will tell I guess. For now, all I can do is try to deal with this new information and pray!!!

Thanks again for reading! Until next time.....