Thursday, November 8, 2012

Fear, Loss and other such BS!

Hello again! I know, I know...where the Hell have I been, right? Well, some days, "Hell" would be an appropriate answer. So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin....
I guess I can start with the good news. The arterial problem that was supposedly identified via ultrasound turned out to be nothing! The MRI I had regarding this problem caused a superficial thrombophlebitis, in layman's terms it caused a small blood clot in my arm from injecting the contrast dye, that has since resolved itself. I am happy that that turned out to be nothing, but I still have a bad feeling about it. I also finally applied for Social Security disability and have an appointment to fill out paperwork with my doctor on the 26th of this month. I am really hoping that comes through so that I can at least provide some income for our family!
The situation with John has gotten worse! Back when all the drama started John made a promise to my mother in law that if this situation and his actions began to damage her relationship with her grandchildren or with us that he would apologize for the things he said and try to make things better. Well, my mother in law barely speaks to me, hell, she barely speaks to her own son and when she does speak to him it becomes a guilt trip. The last time Brian spoke to his mom was when she wanted Christian for the weekend and Christian stated he did not want to go because sometimes John is mean to him. When we explained this to Marietta she accused us of manipulating the situation and feeding him information. We have never, and will never manipulate our children in any way regarding anyone or anything! I have to admit that I was offended by that accusation! What bothers me the most about all of this is that John knows the issues I've had with my own father and the fact that I had taken him into my life as a father was a huge step for me! For him to betray that relationship in the manner that he has hurts me to my core, even more the timing of the situation has made it even worse. All of this started the day after my grandpa passed away, which coincidentally is a year ago tomorrow. I have thought many times about picking up the phone and calling John but I wouldn't even begin to know what to say! The one time I tried to extend an olive branch it was thrown back in my face immediately. As any one of my friends would tell you I have a long fuse and I forgive easily, but after everything that's been said and that no apologies have ever been made I cannot forgive this time! John must make the first move if he ever wants to fix this situation and relationship. I just wish that he had kept his promise to Marietta and tried to fix things because I really, really miss my family!
On top of everything else my health isn't getting any better , the finances aren't getting any better and there is a very good chance that we might lose our house. My grandma is working with my Uncle Chuck to try and figure something out but I am not holding my breath.
This last almost 2 years have been the worst of my life! I think one of the worst things is that I feel like a leper, what I mean is since I got sick I have barely heard from any of my friends or family with a few exceptions. To those exceptions, you know who you are and I love you! With each surgery came a long recovery and during each recovery less and less people called, texted, visited... Get the picture? I'm not angry with anyone, I know people have lives, I know they have better things to do, but when you're laying at home in pain, unable to go anywhere due to all the medications you're on it would be nice for someone to at least call. Some would say that I've done this to myself, that I've ostracized myself from everyone..... Maybe there right, maybe I have become antisocial but can you blame me? I have always been there for everyone else. I have always put the needs of my friends and family ahead of my own, so I guess I figured that when my time of need came they would do the same. I wish that I had been right! I still love my friends and my family, I love them with everything that I am but I feel alone and abandoned and even though it may be of my own making it doesn't make it any easier!
I thank God everyday that I have my amazing husband, Brian and my beautiful children, Braden and Christian! Without them my life would have no meaning anymore!

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