Saturday, June 29, 2013

Me, Myself and I

I feel alone! Even when I am in a room full of my nearest and dearest, I feel like I am completely and utterly alone. Maybe it's because I spend most of my time inside my own head. Maybe it's because I have internalized everything for so long that I can't even let myself have a conversation without eventually word-vomiting all my problems onto people. Or maybe it's more simple than that, maybe it's because I am truly alone.....emotionally I mean. Let me be clear, my true friends and loyal family try their hardest to understand what I am going through and how I feel, but the reality of the situation is that nobody can even begin to understand how I feel! I have many friends and family who are disabled or have chronic health issues, but none of them are me. None of them know what it's like to live everyday inside my body or worse, inside my head! From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, IF I fall asleep at all, I am in some form of pain. Physical and emotional! Of course everyone tries to sympathize, and some suffer similar issues, but not one of them has a clue what it's like to be me! I am not trying to downplay anyone else's problems, but I am tired of being the one who is the listener.....sometimes I want to be listened to, sometimes I want someone to have some sympathy for me! I know what you must be thinking......"God she's selfish!". And, yes, maybe that is a bit selfish sounding but after all the years of being the sympathetic one, I feel that I deserve to ask for the same in return. Make no mistake....I DO NOT want pity! I loathe pity because its fake! It is a meaningless emotion that doesn't make anyone feel better! Sympathy and empathy are very different and worth while because expressing those emotions mean you truly care about the person that suffers.
I am tired of feeling this way! I am tired of being the "odd man out".......I rarely hear from my "friends" anymore, and if I do it's because they need something or want to talk about their issues. Then there's the fact that the in-law situation hasn't gotten any better......My mom-in-law  only speaks to me when she has to and I can see the daggers in her eyes whenever she looks at me! My father-in-law won't even acknowledge my existence!!! If it weren't for Grandpa Paul and a few awesome cousins I wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with any of them strictly out of self-preservation! I can't even think about it without feeling like I am being stabbed in the heart!!! I miss that family more than anything!
When I do finally open up to somone out of sheer desperation, the subject is quickly changed to something "less depressing" or something frivolously stupid! (There are a few exceptions to this scenario and you know who you are.) Even worse, if I try to voice my opinion on a topic or vent how I am feeling about a specific situation I get attacked and, in some recent cases, threatened for having an opinion that doesn't mesh with the status quo or I unintentionally offend someone by phrasing something wrong......I am to the point where I am just going to stop talking altogether. To some of you that would probably be a blessing......"Loud mouth Kari is finally shutting up....Hallelujah!" 
Most of my days lately have been filled with constant crying and depression due to both physical and emotional pain, frustration due to the fact that even my own family (except for my amazing husband) doesn't believe me when I scream out in pain, fear that soon it will become too much to handle alone and I will completely lose my grip on reality, and finally paralyzing anxiety and depression due to pretty much everything! I don't even want to be around people anymore. They infuriate me most of the time......the few friends I have left are the only ones I can stomach and even they have lost patience with me. They try, they try really hard! But I can see it in their eyes.....they're tired of me, they're tired of having to "deal" with me and my never ending stream of bullshit and drama! Many would say I have brought this on myself....that I have ostracized myself from them and its my fault that I am alone! Maybe thats true, but for a reason........Which brings me back to the original point: after two years of non-stop pain, anxiety and depression I have finally figured it out...I can truly count on three people.......ME, MYSELF AND I!!!!
(I began this post back in June, got about 2-3 sentences in and gave up. I finally finished it tonight in a desperate flood of emotion!!!)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Fear and Loathing in KariLand!

I loathe my body!! I am not talking about "body image" or vanity, I am not one of those girls that has a panic attack every time I look in a mirror. I am not going to lie and say that I love every aspect of my physical appearance. I have days where I swear my clothes shrank in the closet! I don't wear a lot of makeup...... Honestly, I have no one to impress and even if I did, if someone judges me based solely on appearance I don't need or want them in my life!  I am talking about the simple fact that every time I think things are calming down health-wise and possibly improving I get slapped in the face with a new problem.....or an old one coming back to haunt me! Let me explain:
In 2000 I was diagnosed with chronic pilonidol disease. For those of you who don't know.....oh just Google it! The short story is that it's a chronic "cyst" on the coccyx (tailbone) and very painful. I had surgery in 2001 to attempt to remove the "cyst" and was told that the chance of recurrence was very small.....WRONG! I have had multiple recurrences since then, the worst being last August 2012 which resulted in a highly invasive "cleft lift" procedure being done in late Sept 2012. My surgeon told me that he's "never had a recurrence after a "lift" before" so he was "very optimistic" that this would be the end of my issues with this condition.....WRONG AGAIN! The "cyst" returned last month and the week after we moved I had yet another surgery, only this time the wound was left open to allow for drainage and healing from the inside out. Needless to say I am not a happy camper right now! Now, you would think that this would be enough right? Well, you would be as wrong as my surgeon! Yesterday I noticed that tell-tale "red flag symptom" for us chronic DVT sufferers: the "pulled muscle" sensation in my thigh and pelvis. (For those of you who either know me personally or read this blog, you should know about my chronic health conditions that began two years ago last week. If not, go back and read some of the old posts to get caught up on my seemingly never-ending health saga.) I tried to ignore it, since yesterday was mine and Brian's 11th wedding anniversary, but today that "pulled muscle" sensation has turned into full-blown pain and the anxiety is taking over! This is the exact symptom that sent me to the ER in Sept 2011 and resulted in life-long health issues and permanent disability. My heart tells me that I need to get to the hospital and get checked out, but my brain is fighting my heart because it is on overload as it is and is shying away from any crisis situations! On top of all of that, we are supposed to be going on a much needed vacation next week and I don't want my health to ruin yet another trip! I know, I know....that is a stupid and selfish reason to avoid the issues, but if you had lived through the last two years of my life you would understand!
If I were being completely honest with myself I would admit that the real reason I am avoiding getting checked out is FEAR! Fear of getting treated like a hypochondriac, fear of this being a recurrence of my DVT, but mostly it's fear  of finally losing my battle with my body! I have already been at deaths door, I know what it feels like to think your next breath is your last and I cannot go there again! I remember that day so vividly, it's tattooed on my brain: the machines were beeping constantly, my blood pressure was so low that I couldn't stay conscious, my eyes were open but I couldn't see, everyone's voices sounded so distant.....I could literally feel myself slipping away, like I was drowning inside my own body! I couldn't even stay conscious long enough to tell Brian I loved him....all I could think was that I wouldn't be able to tell my children that I loved them and that I was sorry I couldn't stay with them! I never, ever want to experience that ever again!!!!!
That, my friends, is all for today! My love to you all! I'll keep you updated on any new developments.