Saturday, June 15, 2013

Fear and Loathing in KariLand!

I loathe my body!! I am not talking about "body image" or vanity, I am not one of those girls that has a panic attack every time I look in a mirror. I am not going to lie and say that I love every aspect of my physical appearance. I have days where I swear my clothes shrank in the closet! I don't wear a lot of makeup...... Honestly, I have no one to impress and even if I did, if someone judges me based solely on appearance I don't need or want them in my life!  I am talking about the simple fact that every time I think things are calming down health-wise and possibly improving I get slapped in the face with a new problem.....or an old one coming back to haunt me! Let me explain:
In 2000 I was diagnosed with chronic pilonidol disease. For those of you who don't know.....oh just Google it! The short story is that it's a chronic "cyst" on the coccyx (tailbone) and very painful. I had surgery in 2001 to attempt to remove the "cyst" and was told that the chance of recurrence was very small.....WRONG! I have had multiple recurrences since then, the worst being last August 2012 which resulted in a highly invasive "cleft lift" procedure being done in late Sept 2012. My surgeon told me that he's "never had a recurrence after a "lift" before" so he was "very optimistic" that this would be the end of my issues with this condition.....WRONG AGAIN! The "cyst" returned last month and the week after we moved I had yet another surgery, only this time the wound was left open to allow for drainage and healing from the inside out. Needless to say I am not a happy camper right now! Now, you would think that this would be enough right? Well, you would be as wrong as my surgeon! Yesterday I noticed that tell-tale "red flag symptom" for us chronic DVT sufferers: the "pulled muscle" sensation in my thigh and pelvis. (For those of you who either know me personally or read this blog, you should know about my chronic health conditions that began two years ago last week. If not, go back and read some of the old posts to get caught up on my seemingly never-ending health saga.) I tried to ignore it, since yesterday was mine and Brian's 11th wedding anniversary, but today that "pulled muscle" sensation has turned into full-blown pain and the anxiety is taking over! This is the exact symptom that sent me to the ER in Sept 2011 and resulted in life-long health issues and permanent disability. My heart tells me that I need to get to the hospital and get checked out, but my brain is fighting my heart because it is on overload as it is and is shying away from any crisis situations! On top of all of that, we are supposed to be going on a much needed vacation next week and I don't want my health to ruin yet another trip! I know, I know....that is a stupid and selfish reason to avoid the issues, but if you had lived through the last two years of my life you would understand!
If I were being completely honest with myself I would admit that the real reason I am avoiding getting checked out is FEAR! Fear of getting treated like a hypochondriac, fear of this being a recurrence of my DVT, but mostly it's fear  of finally losing my battle with my body! I have already been at deaths door, I know what it feels like to think your next breath is your last and I cannot go there again! I remember that day so vividly, it's tattooed on my brain: the machines were beeping constantly, my blood pressure was so low that I couldn't stay conscious, my eyes were open but I couldn't see, everyone's voices sounded so distant.....I could literally feel myself slipping away, like I was drowning inside my own body! I couldn't even stay conscious long enough to tell Brian I loved him....all I could think was that I wouldn't be able to tell my children that I loved them and that I was sorry I couldn't stay with them! I never, ever want to experience that ever again!!!!!
That, my friends, is all for today! My love to you all! I'll keep you updated on any new developments.

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