Saturday, June 29, 2013

Me, Myself and I

I feel alone! Even when I am in a room full of my nearest and dearest, I feel like I am completely and utterly alone. Maybe it's because I spend most of my time inside my own head. Maybe it's because I have internalized everything for so long that I can't even let myself have a conversation without eventually word-vomiting all my problems onto people. Or maybe it's more simple than that, maybe it's because I am truly alone.....emotionally I mean. Let me be clear, my true friends and loyal family try their hardest to understand what I am going through and how I feel, but the reality of the situation is that nobody can even begin to understand how I feel! I have many friends and family who are disabled or have chronic health issues, but none of them are me. None of them know what it's like to live everyday inside my body or worse, inside my head! From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, IF I fall asleep at all, I am in some form of pain. Physical and emotional! Of course everyone tries to sympathize, and some suffer similar issues, but not one of them has a clue what it's like to be me! I am not trying to downplay anyone else's problems, but I am tired of being the one who is the listener.....sometimes I want to be listened to, sometimes I want someone to have some sympathy for me! I know what you must be thinking......"God she's selfish!". And, yes, maybe that is a bit selfish sounding but after all the years of being the sympathetic one, I feel that I deserve to ask for the same in return. Make no mistake....I DO NOT want pity! I loathe pity because its fake! It is a meaningless emotion that doesn't make anyone feel better! Sympathy and empathy are very different and worth while because expressing those emotions mean you truly care about the person that suffers.
I am tired of feeling this way! I am tired of being the "odd man out".......I rarely hear from my "friends" anymore, and if I do it's because they need something or want to talk about their issues. Then there's the fact that the in-law situation hasn't gotten any better......My mom-in-law  only speaks to me when she has to and I can see the daggers in her eyes whenever she looks at me! My father-in-law won't even acknowledge my existence!!! If it weren't for Grandpa Paul and a few awesome cousins I wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with any of them strictly out of self-preservation! I can't even think about it without feeling like I am being stabbed in the heart!!! I miss that family more than anything!
When I do finally open up to somone out of sheer desperation, the subject is quickly changed to something "less depressing" or something frivolously stupid! (There are a few exceptions to this scenario and you know who you are.) Even worse, if I try to voice my opinion on a topic or vent how I am feeling about a specific situation I get attacked and, in some recent cases, threatened for having an opinion that doesn't mesh with the status quo or I unintentionally offend someone by phrasing something wrong......I am to the point where I am just going to stop talking altogether. To some of you that would probably be a blessing......"Loud mouth Kari is finally shutting up....Hallelujah!" 
Most of my days lately have been filled with constant crying and depression due to both physical and emotional pain, frustration due to the fact that even my own family (except for my amazing husband) doesn't believe me when I scream out in pain, fear that soon it will become too much to handle alone and I will completely lose my grip on reality, and finally paralyzing anxiety and depression due to pretty much everything! I don't even want to be around people anymore. They infuriate me most of the time......the few friends I have left are the only ones I can stomach and even they have lost patience with me. They try, they try really hard! But I can see it in their eyes.....they're tired of me, they're tired of having to "deal" with me and my never ending stream of bullshit and drama! Many would say I have brought this on myself....that I have ostracized myself from them and its my fault that I am alone! Maybe thats true, but for a reason........Which brings me back to the original point: after two years of non-stop pain, anxiety and depression I have finally figured it out...I can truly count on three people.......ME, MYSELF AND I!!!!
(I began this post back in June, got about 2-3 sentences in and gave up. I finally finished it tonight in a desperate flood of emotion!!!)

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