Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The icing on the proverbial cake!

So first I'd like to say Merry Christmas one and all! I'd also like to say that the drama from yesterday was behind us....yeah, not even close!
After a nice morning with the kids, a special breakfast and opening gifts, I stepped outside and what did I see......bare in mind I'd been out a few times throughout the morning and nothing was there......my late Grandfathers car ( which was given to me after he passed away and was being stored out at the in-laws house ) sitting in front of our house, filled with some of Brian's stuff and the keys on my entry table.....the icing on the cake? A big red bow attached to the hood! I was livid! The car is being sold, but not till we can fix it up and then all of Brian's things were incomplete. Tools with parts missing, his washing station without the drum, a box of his old books that had all been chewed up by mice and left mice shit strewn around the back of my car......yeah...grrrrrrrrr! Brian ended up texting his Mom to find out about his '57 Chevy that is still out there, her response was that they need to talk, but that John was angry about his stepmother being "hurt" by Christian not being at her house last night so he returned the car. How immature and irrational! All this because we didn't want to separate the kids on Christmas......this situation literally ruined my Christmas! I was actually in the spirit this year for once and they totally smashed it ( along with my heart )!
I am so sick of this and so sick of my husband getting hurt and upset by his own mother and stepfather, but I have no way of fixing it now. I never did anything wrong and I will not apologize for putting my kids first!!!!!!
Sorry guys, had to vent! Love you all and Happy New Year!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Family can hurt you more than anyone!

I hurt! Not so much physically, although that is always an issue, but my heart hurts!
As many of my close friends know, I have always felt very insecure as a parent. When I had Braden 13 years ago, I was young and very inexperienced. I was not yet married and was having to work full time to make ends meet. I was very lucky to have my grandparents by my side and helping me in any way they could! When I went back to work after my maternity leave I had a very hectic schedule and my Grandma was watching Braden for me on a daily basis at my apartment, she never complained but I know it was stressing her to leave so much unattended to at her own home while helping me, so when Braden was a little over a year old we made the decision to let her watch him over at her house while I worked....well, after months of juggling him around we decided it was better for him to just stay there when I was working and come home on my days off. That worked out well, but then as my relationship with Brian got more serious and we were trying to build a life together with crazy schedules, Braden started staying at Grandmas on my days off too....basically he was living there full time and spending time with us on weekends. It was one big extended family, just like how I was raised, and everyone was happy and content. As Braden got older we asked him many times if he wanted to live with us full time, but he always refused saying he was happy where he was and with our loving extended family arrangement! I didn't push the issue with him because A) he was a kid and B) he had his friends and a stable, loving environment.....what more could a parent ask for!?! When Christian was born we broached the subject again with Braden, but his answer was always the same. He was happy, content and loved our family dynamic the way it was. Even though he seemed satisfied with things I still always felt like maybe I should've done things differently, maybe I  should've insisted he come with us, but he still would've been at Grandmas 80% of the time anyway due to Brian and my hectic work schedules. Then last year I got sick, on at least one occasion I was very close to not making it and with all the surgeries and recoveries I wasn't able to care for the kids and Brian still had to work so what was I supposed to do? Now that I am doing better and not working the boys spend about 50% of their time here with us and it has been wonderful! Still through it all I have felt like a very bad mother and now I am getting punished for all of it from the last person I ever expected!
Every year we go the the Grandparents-in-law on Christmas Eve, but with all the John drama this last year we knew we would not be invited. Last week my mother-in-law, who I love dearly, asked if they could take Christian for Christmas Eve, just Christian no one else, Brian and I both said no because we thought it would be unfair to separate the kids on Christmas Eve of all days. She ended up asking again last night, but the answer was the same...well, that opened a flood gate and I was attacked and threatened via text message by my mom-in-law...not John, as I would've expected. I was hurt, shocked and angry! I never expected this from her, ever! I was told that she "was willing to accept Braden into the family, but I couldn't force him on people"! What the hell does that mean?! When I said that I wouldn't separate the kids on Christmas I was told that "YOU made your choice. There will be consequences." (Again, what the hell does that mean?!) And they "miss Christian". Well, that's nice, but what about your other grandson?! I was in absolute shock! I was enraged...I even yelled at Brian which I never do! When I told her that all this was hurting her son she told me "My son never kept me from anyone. You did." I never "kept" anyone from her, not intentionally anyway. But after the meltdown with John last year, I personally had kept my distance, but never kept her from her Grandchildren. I had made an effort to try to ensure that didn't happen! I don't understand where all this is coming from? All this because I didn't want to separate my kids on Christmas? Are you kidding me?
Then today she sent a mutual friend to drop off Christian's Christmas and birthday presents. It was so sweet of him to do it, but it was totally inappropriate to put him in that position! He has nothing to do with this drama. He has his opinions of course, but I am not interested in hearing it right now. All he has really heard is their side so I can only imagine what he must think. What hurts is that he has been my best friend for 15 years, I am the reason they even know him and now as far as I am concerned they are taking advantage of his desire to stay neutral....but that's just my opinion.
I am literally sick over this! I never thought in a million years it would come to this! I don't care how anyone feels about me, but this is hurting my husband and my children and I cannot stand for that! I don't know what I will do yet, time will tell I guess. I just wish it hadn't happened now! I usually love Christmas and now I just want it to go away!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Farewell Furry Friends (written late 2012)

I wrote this back in 2012 and just realized I never posted it. Better late than never I guess.

I have had enough!! The loneliness and loss I feel every minute of every day is becoming to much to bear....on top of everything else that has happened over the last year and a half, the last few weeks have been the roughest on my heart! I guess I should explain...
For the last 9+ years Brian and I have always had dogs as part of our family. They were our other "kids". For 9 years we had a beautiful German Shepherd named Sasha and then about 7 years ago we got a sweet little mutt I named PJ. Then a little over 2 years ago I adopted my mini dachshund Bella. On a side note, I thank God for her everyday because she has been my constant companion through all my recoveries! Sadly, we lost Sasha in Feb 2011 to bladder cancer. Brian and I were devastated, so, a few months later I adopted an 8 month old black Shepherd that we named Anya. She was so sweet and so beautiful! Well, she and PJ got along fine unless people/attention was involved and when jealousy reared its ugly head they would get into bloody fights. It got so bad that we had to keep them outside separated from human stimuli and even then fights would occasionally break out over nothing. Then there was the fact that PJ was Houdini on four legs. She could escape anything and when she did she would run the neighborhood. Between the fights and the escape attempts, the police were called on us a number of times. When Mel was living here she got issued a ticket for "dog at large" while we were out of town because a neighbor complained. The situation was not fair to the dogs, our neighbors or the kids! Because of those issues and the fact that we may be forced to move we made the decision to rehome PJ, but I was having no luck in finding her a home, so we made the heartbreaking decision to rehome Anya. Of course, right as we found a home for Anya someone finally called about PJ. They wanted her as a companion dog for a disabled girl....how could we say no? So, in the span of two days we dropped both dogs off with their new families. It was truly heartbreaking!! I still tear up when I think about it....the saving grace that healed my heart came in the form of a Beagle named Jake. The day after PJ left we saw that a 1 year old Beagle had been found as a stray and was up for adoption at animal control. We went to look at him and fell in love! He fits into the family perfectly, he can stay in the house and he and Bella are best friends...he is also small, so if we do have to move we'll have no problem getting him approved...that had been an issue with the girls because they were both on the "aggressive" breed list. I have to say that I still miss my girls but Jake has helped heal my heart! No one wants to say farewell to their furry family, but Anya and PJ are in the best possible homes for them and that gives me comfort!