As I write this I am suffering from a flare up of my pain symptoms along with horrible insomnia and an obnoxious case of nausea. It never seems to end and always comes in groupings of multiple issues all at once. I am at wits end! On top of all of it I am falling into another depression.....
I feel lonelier than I have in a very long time! I used to think some of my friends were right, that I ostracize myself and have become anti-social by choice but I have realized that that reasoning is completely off base. It's an excuse that my "friends" have come up with to make themselves feel better about abandoning me! I know that sounds harsh but I can't find a gentler way to put it......more importantly I refuse to accept excuses anymore! If someone truly wanted to be my friend they would make time for me, they would text me, they would call me.....Now, I realize that people have lives, jobs, kids and such but even when I was working 60-70 hours a week in retail, managing a household, taking care of my kids and squeezing in some time with the husband I still managed to make time for my friends who have always been very important to me! I would drop everything if someone needed me and I guess I just expected that people would pay it forward. There are a few people who have made the effort and to those people I am eternally grateful! However, if you have to ask me if you are one of those people then I'd say the answer should be pretty obvious! These very special people are my nearest and dearest friends and I know that even with their tremendously busy daily lives they would drop anything and everything to be here for me if I needed them. They, most definitely, already KNOW who they are because I have told them and made a point to keep them in my life! Over the last few months I have been removing myself from contact with those that have proven themselves to be less than "friendworthy". I do not judge these people nor do I feel any anger or resentment towards them! I have just gotten to a point in my life where I need to be selfish and put ME first. I am needing to surround myself with friends that truly WANT to be there for me through my darkest times......not just when all seems well or when it's convenient for them or when acting like they care makes them feel good about themselves.....I need a real support system and that is what my focus is now, finding kindred spirits that understand my struggles and want to help in any way they can simply because they truly care about me!
I want to take the time to reiterate that I have some very special people in my life who I know would do just about anything for me (and I for them) even if it's just sending a simple text message asking how I'm doing and, more importantly, actually wanting to hear the answer whether it's good or bad! To those people, and you know who you are, I love you and could never get through any of this without you!!! I will value our friendship in this life and in whatever comes after!
I started writing this a few days ago but in light of today's tragic loss of Robin Williams to suicide I feel getting my thoughts and feelings out there is even more important. I have been lost in the darkness more times than I'd like to admit over the last three years. There were, and still are, many nights spent awake and in pain, physically and emotionally, when the thought of just ending it all has crossed my mind.....the only difference between me and the millions of people who have lost their battles with depression is that I made the decision NOT to act on those thoughts and feelings! How easily it could've gone the other way.......and if I am being honest the ONLY thing that kept me from taking that one last drastic action on those lonely nights is the knowledge of what it would do to my husband and children. My husbands father committed suicide when Brian was just 18 years old and, although I didn't know the family at the time, I have firsthand knowledge of what his actions put the family through. What it still puts them through to this day! I will not do to my boys what was done to my amazing husband and his sister all those years ago and I will not make my husband live through that kind of pain ever again! I guess in a way I am lucky to have the understanding that I do......it has made me more aware of what something like that really does to a family and that awareness has made me want to fight my inner demons instead of giving in to them. That said, I know all too well how easy it would be to give in. How easy it would be to find justifications for that action. How easy it is to say "they'll all be better off without me...". There are many nights I've cried myself to sleep begging for death to take me in my slumber because the physical pain is just to great!
These years have been hard and it seems to be getting harder every day but I have learned something about myself as well......I have learned that I am a fighter, I am a survivor and I am much stronger than I EVER gave myself credit for! I have made the conscious decision to see this through no matter where it takes me or how hard it gets. If I do eventually lose the battle it will be because my body gave up NOT because my spirit did! So many have given up and it grieves my heart....I just pray that Robin and all the other souls have finally found the peace they could never find in this life! And if anyone reading this right now is considering opting out please reconsider......call someone, ask for help....there is nothing to be ashamed of! There are people out there who care about you and need you in their lives. I know things seem helpless now but I promise there is help, hope and love out there for you......just ask for it and you'll be surprised by what you find!