A Poem for Invisible Illness Awareness

Just because you can't see it

Doesn't mean it's not there

So don't stand in judgement

Don't say you don't care

So many diseases 

That cannot be seen

But denying their existence

Is really quite mean

The people who suffer

Including myself

Need belief and acceptance

We're crying for help

The pain that we live through

All night and all day

Is something we hide and

Don't put on display

We live in the shadows

Keep friends in the dark

Mask our pain with fake smiles

It's no "walk in the park"

We strive to look "normal"

As best we can manage

We keep up appearances

So you won't know the damage

The endless stream of symptoms 

That control our daily lives

Are beyond comprehension

And tough to survive

You could never imagine

The pain that we feel

But I can assure you

It's hellishly real

The worst is the doubting

Of family and friends

As to whether or not

They will stay till the end

To many desert us

In our time of need

So I've written this poem

As a warning to heed

Abandoning someone

Is morally wrong

Even when you think

That the person is strong

So don't turn your back

Or call us a fake

You will never understand

The sacrifices we make

Just getting out of bed

Is an endurance trial 

Some days walking a foot

Feels like a mile

Before you make assumptions

Based on what you can't see 

Imagine if it was you in pain

And the non-believer was me

Some illnesses are invisible

To the naked eye

Some victims lose their battles

Too many good people die

So think how you'd feel 

If the roles were reversed

And no one believed

Your invisible curse

Awareness is key

I'm spreading the word

May is our month

So stand up and be heard!

(May is Invisible Illness Awareness Month and in honor of that I wrote this poem...)

 

 

Anxiety Kills!

These last few months have been crazy busy and very stressful. Lots of doctors appointments with no new or helpful information, more labs with no definitive results, lots of new and distressing symptoms that are quickly becoming chronic, still no real diagnosis' and a ridiculously stressful SSD hearing for which I am currently awaiting the outcome. Combine these issues with all the normal ones that I deal with on a daily basis and you have the recipe for astronomical amounts of stress and anxiety! 

As most of you know, in addition to my chronic illnesses and pain, I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety and panic disorder so ANY additional stress makes me very ill.....physically and emotionally. These last few weeks have seemed abnormally difficult for me and I finally figured out that it is because of all the added stressers catching up with me. My body and brains reaction to this has made me very grumpy, sensitive and withdrawn. Last week, for the first time ever, my husband actually had to walk away from me because I was being such a bitch. I have never been so angry at myself as I was in that moment! I have always been able to maintain an even temper with Brian no matter what was going on but I have been under unimaginable stress and suffering from such horrible insomnia that I have lost the ability to control my emotions......I firmly believe that stress and anxiety kills!

Prior to all of this I had been making a concerted effort to be optimistic and find all the silver linings in my situation, so to speak, but then things got worse health wise as new symptoms started popping up and not going away.....it all went downhill from there. I find myself feeling worthless, useless and ignored. I continue to be dismissed by doctors, family and friends, I am in pain almost 24 hours a day, I rarely leave the house so I spend almost all of my time alone and the only time my phone rings is when a Dr or bill collector calls. Speaking of bill collectors, I am in debt up to my eyeballs due to medical bills so that is an added stress as well. All of this (and more) has caused me to sink back into a very deep depression. I HATE it when I get like this! I used to be a happy person but I honestly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I would say ComicCon but even though I had an absolutely amazing time I was in so much pain from standing in lines and walking so much that I couldn't enjoy it completely. I can say that the closest I get is when I am with Brian and the kids! Brian has this amazing way of making me feel better and happier without even trying......just looking at my gorgeous husband makes my heart swell! I love him more than anything in this world and I can't even fathom my life without him or my kids! They are truly my only reason for being and the ONLY reason I suffer through this life every day!

So, now I just have to hurry up and wait. Waiting for the judges decision on my SSD, waiting for a Dr to finally come up with a diagnosis for me, waiting to maybe have just one day without pain.......I suck at waiting! Oh, and I have more tests ordered by my urologist this month to see what's wrong with my bladder.....more waiting, yay! I guess I just need that break I keep talking about....thank God Brian has a vacation next month so we can get out of town and relax.....I really need to relax!!

Thanks, as always, for reading and letting me vent! Until next time.......