Sunday, May 11, 2014

A Poem for Invisible Illness Awareness

Just because you can't see it
Doesn't mean it's not there
So don't stand in judgement
Don't say you don't care

So many diseases 
That cannot be seen
But denying their existence
Is really quite mean

The people who suffer
Including myself
Need belief and acceptance
We're crying for help

The pain that we live through
All night and all day
Is something we hide and
Don't put on display

We live in the shadows
Keep friends in the dark
Mask our pain with fake smiles
It's no "walk in the park"

We strive to look "normal"
As best we can manage
We keep up appearances
So you won't know the damage

The endless stream of symptoms 
That control our daily lives
Are beyond comprehension
And tough to survive

You could never imagine
The pain that we feel
But I can assure you
It's hellishly real

The worst is the doubting
Of family and friends
As to whether or not
They will stay till the end

To many desert us
In our time of need
So I've written this poem
As a warning to heed

Abandoning someone
Is morally wrong
Even when you think
That the person is strong

So don't turn your back
Or call us a fake
You will never understand
The sacrifices we make

Just getting out of bed
Is an endurance trial 
Some days walking a foot
Feels like a mile

Before you make assumptions
Based on what you can't see 
Imagine if it was you in pain
And the non-believer was me

Some illnesses are invisible
To the naked eye
Some victims lose their battles
Too many good people die

So think how you'd feel 
If the roles were reversed
And no one believed
Your invisible curse

Awareness is key
I'm spreading the word
May is our month
So stand up and be heard!

(May is Invisible Illness Awareness Month and in honor of that I wrote this poem...)



Thursday, May 8, 2014

Anxiety Kills!

These last few months have been crazy busy and very stressful. Lots of doctors appointments with no new or helpful information, more labs with no definitive results, lots of new and distressing symptoms that are quickly becoming chronic, still no real diagnosis' and a ridiculously stressful SSD hearing for which I am currently awaiting the outcome. Combine these issues with all the normal ones that I deal with on a daily basis and you have the recipe for astronomical amounts of stress and anxiety! 

As most of you know, in addition to my chronic illnesses and pain, I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety and panic disorder so ANY additional stress makes me very ill.....physically and emotionally. These last few weeks have seemed abnormally difficult for me and I finally figured out that it is because of all the added stressers catching up with me. My body and brains reaction to this has made me very grumpy, sensitive and withdrawn. Last week, for the first time ever, my husband actually had to walk away from me because I was being such a bitch. I have never been so angry at myself as I was in that moment! I have always been able to maintain an even temper with Brian no matter what was going on but I have been under unimaginable stress and suffering from such horrible insomnia that I have lost the ability to control my emotions......I firmly believe that stress and anxiety kills!

Prior to all of this I had been making a concerted effort to be optimistic and find all the silver linings in my situation, so to speak, but then things got worse health wise as new symptoms started popping up and not going all went downhill from there. I find myself feeling worthless, useless and ignored. I continue to be dismissed by doctors, family and friends, I am in pain almost 24 hours a day, I rarely leave the house so I spend almost all of my time alone and the only time my phone rings is when a Dr or bill collector calls. Speaking of bill collectors, I am in debt up to my eyeballs due to medical bills so that is an added stress as well. All of this (and more) has caused me to sink back into a very deep depression. I HATE it when I get like this! I used to be a happy person but I honestly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I would say ComicCon but even though I had an absolutely amazing time I was in so much pain from standing in lines and walking so much that I couldn't enjoy it completely. I can say that the closest I get is when I am with Brian and the kids! Brian has this amazing way of making me feel better and happier without even trying......just looking at my gorgeous husband makes my heart swell! I love him more than anything in this world and I can't even fathom my life without him or my kids! They are truly my only reason for being and the ONLY reason I suffer through this life every day!

So, now I just have to hurry up and wait. Waiting for the judges decision on my SSD, waiting for a Dr to finally come up with a diagnosis for me, waiting to maybe have just one day without pain.......I suck at waiting! Oh, and I have more tests ordered by my urologist this month to see what's wrong with my bladder.....more waiting, yay! I guess I just need that break I keep talking about....thank God Brian has a vacation next month so we can get out of town and relax.....I really need to relax!!

Thanks, as always, for reading and letting me vent! Until next time.......