As most of you know, in addition to my chronic illnesses and pain, I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety and panic disorder so ANY additional stress makes me very ill.....physically and emotionally. These last few weeks have seemed abnormally difficult for me and I finally figured out that it is because of all the added stressers catching up with me. My body and brains reaction to this has made me very grumpy, sensitive and withdrawn. Last week, for the first time ever, my husband actually had to walk away from me because I was being such a bitch. I have never been so angry at myself as I was in that moment! I have always been able to maintain an even temper with Brian no matter what was going on but I have been under unimaginable stress and suffering from such horrible insomnia that I have lost the ability to control my emotions......I firmly believe that stress and anxiety kills!
Prior to all of this I had been making a concerted effort to be optimistic and find all the silver linings in my situation, so to speak, but then things got worse health wise as new symptoms started popping up and not going away.....it all went downhill from there. I find myself feeling worthless, useless and ignored. I continue to be dismissed by doctors, family and friends, I am in pain almost 24 hours a day, I rarely leave the house so I spend almost all of my time alone and the only time my phone rings is when a Dr or bill collector calls. Speaking of bill collectors, I am in debt up to my eyeballs due to medical bills so that is an added stress as well. All of this (and more) has caused me to sink back into a very deep depression. I HATE it when I get like this! I used to be a happy person but I honestly can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I would say ComicCon but even though I had an absolutely amazing time I was in so much pain from standing in lines and walking so much that I couldn't enjoy it completely. I can say that the closest I get is when I am with Brian and the kids! Brian has this amazing way of making me feel better and happier without even trying......just looking at my gorgeous husband makes my heart swell! I love him more than anything in this world and I can't even fathom my life without him or my kids! They are truly my only reason for being and the ONLY reason I suffer through this life every day!
So, now I just have to hurry up and wait. Waiting for the judges decision on my SSD, waiting for a Dr to finally come up with a diagnosis for me, waiting to maybe have just one day without pain.......I suck at waiting! Oh, and I have more tests ordered by my urologist this month to see what's wrong with my bladder.....more waiting, yay! I guess I just need that break I keep talking about....thank God Brian has a vacation next month so we can get out of town and relax.....I really need to relax!!
Thanks, as always, for reading and letting me vent! Until next time.......
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