Thursday, January 23, 2014

When do you just give up?

Hello readers! I hope this post finds you all enjoying 2014 and in good health...
I am not doing much better myself but I have a few good things coming up so we'll start with those:
This weekend I'll be heading up to Portland to attend Wizard World ComiCon for the second year in a row! I'll be meeting Norman Reedus (Daryl, TWD), Michael Rooker (Merle, TWD), Robert Englund (the iconic Freddy Krueger), Ron Perlman (Clay, SOA) and Kim Coates (Tig, SOA). I am really excited to have this experience again!! Then on Sunday my hubby and I are headed to Florence for an overnight at Three Rivers Casino/Resort. I love this hotel/'s beautiful, fun and has great food! This fabulous weekend couldn't come at a better time as I am scheduled for surgery on my tailbone (again!!) on the 28th. I am hoping that this time it fixes the problem but I am not holding my breath. Later in the year my hubby and I are hoping to get down to San Fran to visit my cousin and then maybe Vegas in August! The final piece of good news is that I finally have a hearing scheduled for my SSD! I head down to Eugene April 15th so the ALJ can hear my case and hopefully rule in my favor! After my surgery I will be working on getting copies of all my medical records and prepping my case. I won't lie, I am very nervous, but I know that my chances are much better this way and I am optimistic that this will all be over soon and end favorably! 
Now that we've covered the good stuff it's on to the meatier stuff. Regrettably all is not well on the health front! My pain levels are getting worse by the week and I have no real explanations. As I write this I am laying on my heating pad trying not to cry because my spine feels like it's being ripped apart. At this point my Dr is still leaning toward Lupus (or a related autoimmune disease) but we are no closer to an actual diagnosis because the bloodwork keeps volleying back and forth which is common but very frustrating! I have made some progress in therapy for the panic attacks but my depression and general anxiety are off the charts most days and my insurance will only pay for one more visit with my Phycologist. On top of this I have been stressed out over situations some of my friends are going through.... I am, by nature, a helper and I want to be able to help everyone with their issues but, honestly, I barely have enough energy to work on my own problems anymore! The mere fact that I can't help in any meaningful way makes me feel even worse. I love my friends with all of my heart and what hurts them hurts me! Then there are those "fair weather friends" I've mentioned before....I've tried to reach out over the last few months but nothing has changed. So that brings me to my question. When is it time to give up? When is it ok to tell someone that enough is enough when they aren't there for you when you need them and worse, you find out they've been gossiping about you behind your back? Where does one draw the proverbial "line in the sand"? I am not a confrontational person but I am also not one to shy away from it when necessary. I have had to fight the impulse in recent weeks to call a few people out on their BS and the only reason I haven't is because I loathe drama with a fiery passion and I know that the only possible result of voicing my opinion would be generating loads of it! So here I sit, biting my tongue until it bleeds, waiting for a resolution that will never come on its own. The longer I wait to confront the situation the more anger and resentment builds up in my soul until one of these days I will just explode! My biggest fear is I will explode on the wrong person, a person that doesn't deserve it but had the misfortune of saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment and.......BOOM!!! 
As you can see I have a lot to work through and a lot of soul searching that needs to be done. I've been working with my therapist on many of these issues but I still have a long way to go! More than anything I need to learn to let things go and move forward but that's easier said than done. At this moment all I really want is a diagnosis and to win my SSD case so I can contribute financially for my family.....If I could just have those two things my stress levels would go down exponentially! 
Well, thanks for reading!! Until next time.....

No comments:

Post a Comment