Friday, September 19, 2014

My Heart is Broken

RIP Bella Current 07/2010~09/19/2014

Today we said goodbye to my baby, my constant companion, my Bella. We had to finally make the heartbreaking decision to help her cross the Rainbow Bridge after an almost two week battle with a severe back injury. We tried everything we could afford to do (and some things we couldn't) to save her but over the last few days, as her condition deteriorated, we had to face the truth.....her time had come. 
I brought my Bella home on my birthday in 2010. I adopted her from a coworker that could no longer keep her and saved her from being sent to the pound. Ever since that day she was my constant companion. She loved me unconditionally, as only a dog can, and I loved her just the same! When I got sick in 2011 she was always there (except during my 8 day ICU stay...although we tried to smuggle her in to see me but failed)....cuddling me, licking me......after my neumerous surgeries she just knew where she could and couldn't lay or step on me to avoid my stitches and drains. I have always maintained that she was the reason I kept going during that dark time! During these last 4 years she has made me smile, laugh and experience a love I never thought possible. I couldn't have loved her any more if she was one of my human children!
Today she is gone and a huge chunk of my heart went with her! The house, like my heart, feels empty. Lying in bed without her cuddled up against me feels like a knife in my gut....I will never again feel her soft fur against my skin, I will never again hear her sweet bark as she greeted me when I returned from running errands, I will never feel her tiny tongue lick the tears from my face when I cry, I will never again see her bright eyes light up even more than normal when I walk into a room. I feel empty and alone! I begged God to save her, to heal her and let her be with me for years to come. My begging and cries, sadly, were not answered......I don't blame God though.....I blame myself!
Since the day I brought her home I was always paranoid about her hurting her little back but I NEVER did anything to prevent it from happening. I didn't teach her not to jump on or off the furniture, I didn't teach her to not stand on her hind legs when she begged for her dinner, I didn't teach her to not try and jump into my fact I thought it was cute and encouraged it. I feel like I killed my baby! The outcome after the injury was inevitable but there were so many things I could've done to prevent the injury to begin with and I didn't.......she counted on me to protect her and I let her down in the worst possible way! 
I love her so much and I will love her till the day I die! That sweet little face stole my heart from the moment I saw her and now that face is just gone forever.....I don't even know where to go from here! I miss her with every fiber of my being and always will.....
Bella I am sorry I failed you! I am sorry you had to suffer in excruciating pain for days because of my selfish desire to keep you with me! I tried to save you in every way that I could and I hope as you're romping in Heaven, pain free, with all the other puppies and kitties that you remember that I am your Mommy and I love you to the ends of the earth! I will NEVER forget you and can't wait to be with you again someday! Please forgive me and know that I am so very sorry! I love you my baby....ALWAYS AND FOREVER! Please tell Sasha, Princess and Simon that we love and miss them too and please don't forget us.......God I miss you so!

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