Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Too much.....

Why can't things just go back to normal right now???? Is that really to much to ask? I have been having health issues since last year, and each new problem is worse than the first. Every time I think things are getting better, I get hit with something else......it is really becoming too much! Another thing that bothers me........if someone says "I had tonsilitis, and had a tosilectomy." or "I had appedicitis, and had an appendectomy.", everyone knows what that means and will say "Oh, that sucks." or "I am sorry!", but when I say "I had an obstructed ureter and had a robotic-assisted laproscopic pyloplasty" or "I have MTS (May-Thurner Syndrom) and developed a left iliofemoral DVT (deep vein thrombosis).", people get that awkward, glazed over expression and just say "Huh?" or "That sounds bad!".  Why can't I have a normal illness?  I mean, if I am gonna have one, why can't it be one that everyone understands? I get very tired of explaining it over and over, so I keep it simple "I have a blood clot in my groin."

Due to all of this, I have sunk into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I am normally an outgoing, fun-loving person.....but I don't even want to see people, much less spend any time with them. I spent an entire afternoon in bed the other day listening to music and crying. Most days, I feel like I am watching someone else's life...this can't be my life, this can't be me laying there feeling defeated and alone......and then I realize that it is me and I cry a little harder. I have tried to find the humor in the situation, I make jokes about having no luck but it is for everyone else's benefit. I, myself, can find no humor in all of this. I can find no reason. I said in a past blog that I must've done something really bad to have brought all this down on myself, but i can't figure out what it was. I have always tried to be a good person, always tried to put others ahead of myself. Of course I have made mistakes and done some things that I am not proud of, but I don't believe any of that would merit all this hell.

I started this blog to give me an outlet for my feelings, a sounding board, a way to say all the things that I can't say to anyone in person. I am glad that I did. It has given me a way to vent my feelings without fear or having to see the look on peoples faces that says "Oh, poor Kari!". I don't want pity, I don't want people to feel sorry for me.....I want people to pray for me! I want them to pray that my health is restored, that this will all be over soon....that is what I want, that is what I need!!

Thanks again for reading.....Much love to all!!!!

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