Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I just can't shake the fear......

I am having a really hard time with my anxiety......even with the Cloneazepam and the Lorazepam combined! It must be the upcoming procedure that has me all freaked out. I can't shake that feeling that once the filter is gone I will be a walking, talking, ticking time bomb!

 I have joined quite a few resource groups regarding blood clots (http://stoptheclot.org/ and http://groups.google.com/group/may-thurner-syndrome-support-group?hl=en) and they have been very informative and supportive, but some of the patient stories are truly frightening! Not just because many of the outcomes are less than happy endings, but that alot of the stories mirror my own in so many ways and some of these stories have those "less than happy endings"! I just wish that there was some way that I could have some guarantees. I want a guarantee that the procedure will go smoothly, that the recovery will be quick and easy and that the clot won't break loose afterwards and kill me.....it's a pipe dream I know, but it would be really nice if it were possible.

 In some of my research I did find a small glimmer of hope...there is a doctor at Stanford University Hospital named Lawrence Hofman who specializes in DVT's and more importantly May-Thurner Syndrome (which I have gotten a preliminary diagnosis of). I found him through the May-Thurner Syndrome Resource Group as he has seen quite a few of it's members. I called Good Sam today and started the process of getting ahold of my medical records and then, hopefully, he will review them. I don't know if he can help in any way, but it's worth trying right? The Stanford website says that their Interventional Radiology department has had success treating clots that other Dr's wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. They have apparently restored flow in veins that have been blocked for 25 years.....that is unheard of!! My Dr's won't touch my clot because it is more than a month old and they don't want to risk further damage to my vein unless it completely occludes again....Well, that's all well and good, but I want a damn resolution and I want it sooner rather than later. I want to get back to my life, I want to go back to work, I want to have just one day without pain....are those things to much to ask for? I think not!

 Once the filter is removed in 7 days, my lungs are at risk. It's back to that "ticking time bomb" thing....and I really don't think that will be at all helpful to my anxiety levels.  I hate feeling like this! I hate having constant fear and anxiety. I hate not being able to help support my family.....to be a good wife and mother......it's just all so frustrating! Some days I feel like I am literally losing my mind. I have dreams that find me either dead, dying or running away from some unseen villain that is trying to kill me. The last dream was almost comical.....I was being chased by some faceless, maniacal killer and when he finally caught up with me he was covered in tattoo's that all said "DVT" in varying sizes and fonts. I woke up from that one laughing. But it's the underlying fear that has created these dreams and that fear is not something that I can laugh off. Believe me I've tried! I make jokes and turn my misfortunes into punchlines, but it's all a defense mechanism....a way for me to keep people from seeing how I actually feel, how truly afraid I really am. I hate pity, and I can't take it from anyone....not even the ones that love me the most! The only person that has even an inkling of how I really feeling is Brian, and even he does not know everything. Non of you do...some things I just cannot say!

Thanks again for reading! Much love to all!

1 comment:

  1. I'm putting this here instead of on FB, because I feel it will hold somethign more than the simple thinking of you emotion that a comment on FB would imply. Please, don't think of this as a simple greeting card condolence.

    You talk of recurring nightmares. That's a very legitimate outlet for emotions, and I'm happy to see that you have the common sense so many people lack to see the significance of your recurring dreams. What I offer you is possibly a tool that might help alleviate the anxiety while you seek out resolution.

    Dreams are not only an outlet for emotional venting. Most people don't realize the personal empowerment that can come from actively engaging in the dream. It might take a little practice, but if you can acquire lucidity during your dream state the possibilities of growth and overcoming your fear are limitless. To help in gaining lucidity, here are a couple helpful tools. Wearing a watch, or writing somethign on your hand, and constantly checking it throughout the day can give you a trigger to going lucid in your dream. You get in the habit of looking at the time or your hand, and when in your dream the numbers/letters either won't make sense or won't be there. That triggers your own dreaming awareness. The other thing you can do is imagine during the day how your surroundings would be different in the dream state (this makes the dream state occurrences seem just natural enough that your waking mind can engage lucidity in the dream).

    Once you are self aware, simply address whatever it is that you are runnign from in the dream head on. You already know what they re symbols of, so hlf the battle is over from the start. The idea is that if you can overcome these in-dream predtors, you are basically doing the dream version of a person with a phobia physically facing the source of the fear.

    I'm not sayign that it will cure your blood clots (it sounds like you already have a plan for that, and a darn good one, too). What it will do it take away the anxiety and negativity that the fear and uncertainty is holding over your head.

    Love you, sis. As much as I can't know your pains, I still worry about you often. I want to do something to help, but my expertise is in psychology not blood and medicine. Thsi is all I have to offer. I hope it helps :)