Sunday, December 18, 2011

The WORST year ever! Continued....

I hope this post finds all of you in good health and ready for the upcoming holiday! I am so not feeling Christmas! I usually love this time of year...I love the lights and the food and the celebrations with family and friends, but this year is just not worth celebrating to be honest. This has been the toughest year of my life, so far, and I just don't have it in me to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. As if all the health issues I have been experiencing are not enough to put a huge damper on the holidays, this will be the first Christmas I have had in 32 years without my Grandpa! That is the worst part...Thanksgiving was hard, but Christmas will be even harder! I am still not sure how I am going to deal with it.......

Two days after Christmas, on the 27th, I will be checking in to the hospital to have my temporary IVC filter removed. I have to be there bright and early at 7am. From all the research I have done, it should just be an in and out procedure but I am not holding my breath. I will be discontinuing my warfarin (Coumadin) on the 21st and resuming the injections until after the procedure to, hopefully, prevent excessive bleeding. It's a precaution since they have to go in through the jugular vein to retrieve the filter. I am really not looking forward to this, and not just because it means another hospital visit and recovery, once the filter has been removed my lungs and heart are no longer protected from rouge clots! I am concerned because I still have the DVT in my leg/groin and if even a relatively small piece breaks off after the procedure, it could travel up into my lung and cause a pulmonary embolism (PE). Most people that develop a PE recover, but not without a long hospital stay and massive amounts of anti-coagulation, there is, however,  a small percentage of people who do not. I have found numerous stories of people literally "dropping dead" from a sudden and massive PE......this, of course, scares the shit out of me! After the 27th I can't help but think that I will be like a ticking time bomb! I know it's a very pessimistic outlook , but with the year I have had how can I possibly feel any different? I used to think that I knew my body, now I have no idea whats going on in there....I think that is what scares me the most.....

Anyway, thanks for listening to all my rantings yet again! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

2 comments:

  1. I love you and dont know what I would do with out you. I am sorry you have had to go through all this and hope they find a cure and soon.....

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  2. I just am now reading your blog. I think it's good therapy to write how you feel. I can see myself in your writings from earlier in my journey with this. The fear of dropping dead was a HUGE one for me that lasted awhile & once in awhile pops up. I think acceptance of death is what has helped me. We all die eventually and I'm sure we never want to die no matter how old we are. It's a natural human instinct to want to live for fear of the unknown, right? So I say screw the unknown and focus on RIGHT NOW! Your energy shouldn't be wasted on "what if's" but should be on the moment. I do not think of possibilities of tomorrow although from time to time I do but it's out of my control. I do know I am here now and it is time for me to enjoy my loved ones, do the things I want now, and put my energy into living my life. Kari, as a friend I say "Do not let fear control you!" It's okay to feel disappointment and fear but do not let it control your life and time! It's not worth it! It took me over a year to overcome the great fear but it does sneak it's ugly head in from time to time. It's okay, just don't let it dominate you and your emotions! Kick it's ugly head out and defy it! You can do it! As for your filter....you will be fine! There are always scary stories out there but they are not yours so LIVE! Don't worry about other's stories.....everyone has a different journey and your's is your own, not someone else's. You are in my thoughts and prayers! You'll do great! Remember: It's okay to be afraid, to be scared but try hard to no let those anxities dominate your life! LOVE YOU!
    ~Your MTS sister, Cindy

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