Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Something's Gotta Give!!

I need something to change! I need my life to go back to the way it used to be! I want to be happy again, I want to be able to work again, I want to feel something other than pain, I want to be healthy again.......I just need a break dammit! Is that too much to ask for?!? Is it??!

When I say "break" I don't mean a vacation, although that would be nice....somewhere tropical and warm where I can sit on a beach chair with a drink and just listen to the ocean. Where I can hold my gorgeous husbands hand and walk barefoot in the surf while watching a perfect sunset. Yes, that would be very nice but that's not what I'm talking about.......I need a break from the Hell that my life has turned into! My physical and mental health has become too much for me to handle. I can't do anything anymore without having to consider how it will make me feel later, I can't make plans because I have no idea if I'll even be able to get off the couch that day and I don't want to disappoint anyone by canceling at the last minute.....I am only 34 years old and I shouldn't have to think about these things!! I shouldn't have to feel like this!!! I shouldn't have to blog at 1am or post statuses on Facebook about being sick just to be able to "talk".......I am to damn young for this! I can't even keep up with my beautiful kids anymore and then they ask me why I can't do the things I used to do with them and my heart breaks even more!! They are so wonderful about it but I know they don't really understand and I don't want them to resent me later because they think I am lazy or that I don't love them. I love them more than my own life and I wouldn't have survived this long without them but I see the disappointment in their eyes and then I think that maybe they would be better off without me! Then there's my amazing husband.....he has the most beautiful soul! He has been my rock and my best friend through all of this but I can't help feeling like I am bringing him down....when he signed our marriage license he didn't sign on for a sick wife! I know he meant all of his vows, including
the "in sickness and in health" part, but at our age you never think that will apply until much, much later. That said, if the roles were reversed and he was the sick spouse I would be by his side every second just as he is for me! You might be thinking "why do you feel bad if you would do the same for him?", well, I feel bad because I just don't feel like I am a good wife! The wife is expected to keep up the house, take care of the kids, do the laundry, make dinner and, in this day and age, help contribute to the family finances.....that may sound old fashioned but when I was healthy I could do it all with energy to spare and I was so proud of that! I was a good wife and mother, a good housekeeper, a good cook and a good employee at my full time job! Now if I need to do any housework I have to pick the most important task on the list and I am lucky if I have enough energy to complete that one thing. If I push myself to do more than that I will spend the next day or two in bed trying to recover from whatever I overdid it on.....it's pathetic and I am sick of it!!!! 

In addition to all of that I am lonely! Like I said, it's pretty sad that I have to blog and post FB statuses just to be heard. All my friends have jobs, lives and families to deal with.....they don't need my shit on top of it, nor do they WANT to deal with my never ending saga! I can't say that I blame them... I don't want to deal with it either! I'd be lying if I said that I have never considered giving up. I have considered it, many times, but if there is one good thing I have learned about myself in all of this is that I am NOT a coward....In fact I think I am pretty damn brave! I have lived through things in the last three years that most people will never have to live through in their entire lives and I'M STILL HERE!! 

I am just having a really hard time accepting what is happening to me! I have an even harder time believing that anyone else can accept it either.....I just want to feel ok again.....Something's gotta give or I'm gonna go crazy!! Assuming I haven't already gone crazy already that is.......

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